Training Antirex

This is something I wrote a long time ago and posted it somewhere. I don’t remember when or where, but I just found it and thought it would make a good entry here. I’ve edited it a little to catch up with my current thinking.

I’m being stalked by this guy who has been following me around all my life, saying some really outrageous things in my ear. His name is Antirex. He was hired to do this by the guy that sexually and physically abused me as a child. Right after it happened, Antirex appeared echoing everything the abuser said to me.

Abuser:	You won’t ever be a “real” man.
Antirex:	You won’t ever be a “real” man.
Abuser:	You’re a little homo. You wanted me to do that.
Antirex:	You’re a little homo. You wanted him to do that.
Abuser:	If you ever tell anyone, something bad will happen.
Antirex:	If you ever tell anyone, something bad will happen.
Abuser:	If you had any guts at all, you’d make me stop.
Antirex:	If you had any guts at all, you’d make him stop.
Abuser:	You’re a scrawny little coward that can’t fight his way out of a paper bag.
Antirex:	You’re a scrawny little coward that can’t fight his way out of a paper bag.

After the abuser left my life, Antirex stayed with me. Whenever I would act out, he’d remind me, “HE was right. Just look at you. You’re gay and you know it, but you’d better not tell anyone or something bad will happen.”

Fortunately, I came to understand that Antirex is a liar. Through the Lord’s help, I stopped having sex with males and proved him wrong, or at least wrong enough to not have to believe him all the time.

Antirex is one persistent stalker, though. He still followed me along after I got married. He just changed his tactics a little and still managed to keep me feeling afraid.

Instead of browbeating me about sex, Antirex started talking to me about my manliness and particularly about other men. Whenever I’d see one walking down the street, a man I thought was attractive, I’d start in on my conversation with Antirex.

Rex:	Wow! He sure looks good!
Antirex:	Yes, he does. Much better than you. He’s got a flat stomach compared to your bubble belly. His hair is perfect and look at those muscles. You’re nothing like him. Too bad.
Rex:	You’re right. I’m nothing like him. I’m fat, sloppy, and such a wimp.
Antirex:	If you could get a hug from him or make him pay attention to you, you’d feel a lot better. Might as well not try, though. He’s way out of your league.
Rex:	I think you’re right, but I still wish he’d notice me like I notice him.
Antirex:	Not gonna happen.
Rex:	I know, but it doesn’t hurt me to wish, does it?
Antirex:	Of course not. Go ahead. Just remember though–It’s the most you’re gonna get. Since you’re not going to get anything out of him in reality, why don’t you think about him sexually? I mean, after all, it’s not real so you’re not harming anything, and it’ll make you feel better.

One day, I sat down and had a talk with Antirex, told him exactly what I thought of him.

Rex:	Look here, Antirex. If you’re going to hang out with me, I have a few rules I insist you follow.
Antirex:	OK, what are they?
Rex:	First, don’t tell me how much better than me other men are. I don’t want to hear it.
Antirex:	All right. And?
Rex:	Don’t talk to me about sex. You know I don’t do that stuff anymore and I don’t want to. Got it?
Antirex:	Got it. Anything else?
Rex:	Yes. If you catch me looking at other men, remind me that I shouldn’t be doing that.
Antirex:	Piece o’ cake! That it?
Rex:	It’ll do for now.
Antirex:	Whatever you say.
Rex:	Good.
Antirex:	Good.

Antirex was true to his word and did exactly as I said, well, almost. After a while, it started going like this.

Rex::	Wow! He sure looks good!
Antirex:	You know you shouldn’t be doing that! What a pervert!
Rex:	I know. You’re supposed to stop me.
Antirex:	I can’t stop you from doing anything. You have to stop yourself. Obviously, you don’t want to stop, else you would.
Rex:	I want to stop, but…
Antirex:	But what?
Rex:	But, he really does look good, a lot better than me. Just look at those eyes!
Antirex:	Look, you said I was supposed to make you stop looking at men. Don’t compare yourself to him. So what if he’s got more muscles than you! You’re not supposed to be noticing that! If you’d just work out a little more and stop eating like a condemned man, you wouldn’t have to put up with noticing how much better everyone else looks. I suppose now you’re thinking about sex too.
Rex:	How’d you know?
Antirex:	Stupid question.
Rex:	Yeah.

This wasn’t exactly working out like I thought, so I decided to try something new.

Rex:	OK, Antirex, I have some new rules for you.
Antirex:	Figures. What are they?
Rex:	Thinking other men are better than me is really detrimental to my self-esteem. I think I need to stop noticing all the good things about guys I see, so I want you to stop even mentioning their good points, even if it’s to tell me to stop. Agreed?
Antirex:	Fine. Any more rules?
Rex:	Well, when I start looking at a guy, I need to stop, put it out of my mind, regain control of my thoughts.
Antirex:	How can I help?
Rex:	I don’t know. I think I have to do that for myself.
Antirex:	As you wish.

This new plan seemed to go OK for a while.

Rex:	Wow! He sure looks good!
Antirex:	Sure, but his nose is too big. What a dufus! He’s not really very good looking and you’re probably a hundred times smarter than he is.
Rex:	True. I’m better than him in a lot of ways, huh?
Antirex:	You sure are.
Rex:	Still, he’s awfully handsome.
Antirex:	Stop thinking about him.
Rex:	You’re right, of course. [to myself] Disengage stare on 1…10… 9… 8… 7… 6…. 5…. 4…… 3…….. 2……………….. 1.
Antirex:	[a few minutes later] Did you stop thinking about that guy yet?
Rex:	Sort of?
Antirex:	What do you mean?
Rex:	Well, I’ve been thinking about not thinking about him.
Antirex:	A definite improvement. Put him out of your mind now, OK?
Rex:	Done. Thanks for checking up on me.
Antirex:	No problem. Glad to be of assistance.

time passes]

Antirex:	I sure hope you’re not still thinking about that guy.
Rex:	Well, to be honest, I was.
Antirex:	Try harder, OK?
Rex:	OK

[more time passes]

Antirex:	How about now?
Rex:	Sorry.
Antirex:	Sheesh! What does it take? Haven’t you got any self-control at all?!
Rex:	Obviously not. I guess I’m just a real pervert.
Antirex:	To say the least! Keep this up and you’ll be right back where you were.

Finally I came up with a plan that works. I figured out I couldn’t stop thinking about men by letting Antirex tell me to stop thinking about them. I decided and have had to train Antirex that I was just going to do it the following way. Turns out to be a very short but productive conversation.

Rex:	Wow! He sure looks good.
Antirex:	Uh-huh.

All those years I thought I had to exert strict self-control in order to overcome my problems. I thought I could think and talk my way through it. Developing the skill of letting something go has made all the difference.

I used to get so wrapped up in overanalyzing every thought or beating myself up over every feeling that didn’t fit into the heterosexual mold that I couldn’t let go of anything. Each incident was amplified until homosexual thoughts and feelings were my entire life.

Me and Antirex are getting along OK now. I’ve trained him to just keep his nonsense to himself. I’ve learned to follow my heart. Acting contrarily to my heart is so counterproductive. Trying to change my behavior without changing my heart just doesn’t work.

When I was a boy, all I really wanted in life was to grow up to be a man, marry, and have children. Seems like Satan had other ideas though and he did everything he could to circumvent my dreams. It was in my heart to be a husband and father, but I wasn’t following my heart. I was following my will. My willful self was so certain he was in charge of my life, that he had to stay in charge if I were to ever realize my dreams.

Dreams and aspirations are functions of the heart, not of the will. You can’t achieve your dreams by force of will. You can only achieve them by following your heart. If your dreams are not worthy, then you have to work to change your heart, not strengthen your will. Antirex is my willful other self, the one who thinks I only have to try harder to stop doing self-destructive things and also the one who blames me when I fail.

Rex, the real me, only wants to do what his Father wants him to do. Unfortunately, I have wasted too much of my life listening to Antirex. Even when I’m trying my best to ignore him, I’m still thinking about him and trying to do things his way. Moving forward, I find it better to just put Rex in charge and if he screws up, put him in charge of the repentance too. If I left it up to Antirex, I’d utterly hate Rex.

When I stopped letting Antirex run the show, I discovered that Rex basically has a good heart that needs a few loving corrections. Even when I don’t do everything right, I know that I want to do what is right and that given the strengthening influence of the Holy Ghost and the refining fire of the atonement, the Lord and I can find a way.