For those of you who don’t know me, let me introduce myself. My name is Lolly Weed and I married my best friend, Josh. Josh and I grew up together on the same street in Utah, so we have known each other for a very long time. I love Josh dearly. He is an amazing man and a wonderful husband. Josh also has same sex attraction. This is an aspect of our marriage that we didn’t really share with a lot of people for the first ten years of our marriage.
Back in March of this year, however, we began to get several promptings from the Spirit telling us that we needed to be more open about this part of our lives. After a lot of fasting and prayer, we decided to share our story on Josh’s blog. His “coming out” post quickly caught a lot of attention. There was a lot of Internet buzz surrounding our story. There were a lot of comments and discussions happening regarding our marriage, mixed orientation marriages in general, and what it meant to be gay in the LDS faith.
While there was definitely a lot of positive feedback, for which I am grateful, there was also a lot of harsh judgment and condemnation. People questioned our motives and told us we were evil. Some have told us that we are foolish because God doesn’t even exist and our sacrifices are for nothing. There are many who can’t understand why Josh would choose to live his life married to a woman and committed to his faith when he has homosexual feelings.
We have had a lot of people over the past two months asking how we are doing with all of this attention. Most of the time, to be honest, I have a hard time putting into words how I feel. It has been overwhelming. The hardest part has been the thousands of people judging my marriage and my faith in a very vocal, accusatory way and telling me that I am wrong, for whatever reason. Complete strangers are examining the things that I hold to be most sacred and making a mock of them.
While a lot of people haven’t shared our exact experience of being so publicly scrutinized, we all have had moments where the truths we hold dear are called into question.
If you have same sex attraction, you may choose not to act on those feelings based on your testimony of the Gospel. That is obviously a choice that is not based solely on logic or feelings. It is an act of faith. Every single day you make the choice to not act on homosexual feelings, you are showing your faith in God and in your beliefs. That is a big deal and it’s not easy.
Faith is delicate and it is imperative that we safeguard our personal truths amidst adversity. Especially when so much is at stake. We must stay strong in our convictions even when it feels like Satan himself is determined to bring down our most precious beliefs.
I’ve recently watched many dear friends grapple between faith, doubt, and logic. I’ve seen their souls be tortured as they struggled to find peace in their heart and mind. To those friends, I would like to echo Elder Holland’s words from his BYU devotional Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence when he said “If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts.”
Elder Holland also said in that same address, “…after you have paid the price to feel his love and hear the word of the Lord, ‘go forward.’ Don’t fear, don’t vacillate, don’t quibble, don’t whine. You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord [did] for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea [that] way, but so what? There’s always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet.”
I particularly like that quote when you apply it to same sex attraction or a mixed orientation marriage. Perhaps you may look at your own “Red Sea” and wonder how you are going to cross it. But, “with the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet.”
Christ tells us to “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” (D&C 6:36). Doubt is never a productive or good feeling. It produces fear and despair. “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). When you have feelings of doubt, it is not God speaking to your soul.
You do not owe doubt anything. You do not owe people questioning your beliefs anything. I think that often times we feel obligated to explore any and all doubts in order to be a logical human being. This may be true if you are a scientist trying to find truths through the scientific method, but as a person of faith, you are not required to be “tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive” (Ephesians 4:14).
Once the Holy Ghost has spoken truth to your soul, that truth is yours. No one can take that away from you. Someone may be able to question what you have seen or heard, but no one can question what you have felt. If you have felt the Spirit whisper to your soul that God lives and that He loves you, that is a truth that will never change. When God has given you a direction for your life, follow that path. Hold on to that truth, no matter what other people say, no matter what comes your way. You cannot fail when you do what God asks you to do.
That is why, although it is difficult to see people saying such harsh things about me and Josh and our marriage, we are still truly happy. Even when people think we are fools, there is peace in our souls. We know that what we did was what God wanted us to do, both in getting married, as well as in recently sharing our truth with the world. Therefore, what have we to fear? When we are at home together as a family, all is right in the world.
Anyone can have the peace of God in their heart and the Spirit in their life. It’s a matter of choice. And so I say as Elder Edgley said in his talk Faith—the Choice is Yours, “Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.” As you act on your faith, you will receive added strength to make correct choices. As you continue forward in righteous living you will experience true joy and peace.
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with the negative responders to your story, but I hope those of us who responded positively will serve to confirm your faith. You and Josh did well.
After reading Josh’s “coming out” post, my first reaction was “I hope they knew what they were getting into.” Then I realized that of course you didn’t know, and you still don’t know, because the public scrutiny has just begun. When I wrote my book about dealing with homosexuality in the early 1990s, I had no idea what I was in for, either. Fortunately, that was back before Internet blogs and the ability to receive comments by the thousands–in less than an hour. Although fewer in number, and even though I used the pen name of Erin Eldridge at the time, the criticisms of my personal-experiences-turned-book weren’t fun to read and/or hear.
Some people might say we should expect plenty of public criticism when going public with our private lives. And it’s usually said with an air of “that’s what we deserve, too.” However, that’s assuming we did it in order to achieve some sort of personal gain rather than to follow the inspiration of the One who can see a far grander picture. I’ve tried to keep in mind, and in my heart, the comments by people who have said that my words made their lives a little easier, or helped bring them closer to the Lord, or helped them turn away from sin and work more faithfully to be obedient.
Lolly and Josh, you have helped and will continue to help many people come unto Christ. That’s what makes all the rest of the crap that comes along with it totally worth the price. Don’t doubt that for a minute.
Thank you Laurie. There are perhaps few who can understand the experience of Lolly and Josh and well as you (and your husband?). I am so grateful for your presence that has reminded me of your book and the impact that it had on my life. Thank you for all that you went through to write of your experiences. You’ve spoken of another book. Has it come to fruition? As a married woman myself now, I would be very interested in ‘the sequel’. Bless you for your efforts and support of so many fellow travelers who have traveled your past roads and hope to travel your current ones.
I appreciate the willingness of Lolly and Josh to extend a much needed vision of hope and option. Your bravery and courage strengthens us all.
I’ll always be grateful for people like you, Lolly, and Josh, who open dialogue about such things as these. I don’t know if I’d stay as strong a member without the help that this dialogue gives me. Although you might receive a strong negative response from some, the fact you have “come out” and shown you have been able to stay strong is an inspiration and a blessing to me.
Thank you.
Also, this topic of doubt was very good for me to read, so thanks again.
After I received the confirmation that Danielle was the woman I would marry, I felt a flood of different emotions. It always felt right, but I also had a process so many emotions as I confronted the reality that my life was about to change forever. Over the course of about two months pre-wedding, I think I relistened to Elder Holland’s talk at least 2 or 3 times a week. It’s one of my all-time favorite talks.
Lolly, God bless you! I know he already has, but I just wanted to affirm it again as my prayer.
Back in the late 90′s, I made my little “debut” to the world about being a believing Latter-day Saint with same-sex attraction. It wasn’t nearly on as grand a scale as you and Josh. For me, it really became a matter of having other people tell my story and me telling my story. I had discussed it with Barbara before and she was supportive.
She didn’t wish to participate insofar as my internet activities were concerned. I wrote a lo about it, back before people knew about blogs. She loved what I wrote, but she didn’t really care to be part of the conversation. One year at an Evergreen conference, a request came from a Salt Lake news program that they would like to talk to a couple. She was willing, so we sat down and were interviewed.
Fortunately, gay Mormons was not a real hot topic back then. Most of the things said about my marriage were things she didn’t hear. She’s a fighter, a real tough lady. I think it would be so much harder now.
People develop a worldview to explain homosexuality. The most popular worldview is that a gay man can’t possibly be happy in a mixed-orientation marriage. Barbara and I just celebrated our 35th, very happy, wedding anniversary. I guess that makes me gay, Mormon, happily married with children, and grandchildren.
I’ll tell you something. When you become a grandparent, your view of eternity and celestial marriage begins to really come into focus. Suddenly, you start to see the real promise of posterity that goes on forever. It’s wonderful and all of the naysayers I encountered when I first “came out” don’t really matter to me anymore, not that they ever really did.
When couples like us come along and assert that we don’t fit that worldview, rather than people adjusting their paradigm to fit this new information, they accuse us of either lying or being deluded.
A couple of years ago, responding to a blog post I did, a woman in my ward expressed how miserable it must be to be gay and not act on it. I assured her I wasn’t miserable. She responded and said, “Of course not. No one could be miserable married to Barbara.” I am certain the same is true of you.
Rex, I would very much like to exchange emails with your wife, if she’s willing.
Thanks for your inspiring words here! My husband and I became grandparents two weeks ago!
Alison
Lolly, thanks for writing in here. I admire so much your courage for opening up with your story and think you are great examples of courage for everyone dealing with homosexuality in the Church, regardless of whether they make the same choices you did. You’re definitely moving the dialog forward, in a good way. And it’s always nice to see people for whom things are working out :). Wish you the best and more good experiences as a result of your willingness to stand and be counted.
Lolly,
I appreciate you bringing up doubt. My fist reaction is to reject your premise; doubt isn’t always bad. I think there are times when doubts can be an important element in developing deeper faith.
Then I wondered whether you and I mean the same thing by doubt. My first thought about doubt is that it is uncertainty or lack of belief. I think becoming aware of gaps in our faith and honestly looking into them is essential to growth.
Sometimes, though I think doubt is used in this sense to convey an attitude of actively disbelieving. In this sense, I think that what you say about choosing faith over doubt is right on the money.
For me, for doubt and faith to be compared as mutually exclusive options means that they must be interchangeable forms of speech. If faith is more than mere belief, but a principle that compels us to action, then doubt must be more than the mere absence or imperfection of belief–it must prevent us from acting. This kind of doubt is clearly an obstacle to progress and incompatible with faith.
On a different chain of thinking, it may be argued that doubt doesn’t really even exist. This Mormon Scholar suggest that doubt is the equivalent of not believing a premise, which translates into actively believing a different premise. He says:
I’m curious about your reaction to those thoughts? (As well as other comments from our readers!)
Lolly,
I admire you so much for what you and Josh are doing. Just a few hours ago, I found something by Perez Hilton (who I don’t normally pay any attention to) about how happy he was for you and Josh. He said something about how he admired Josh for remaining committed to important things in his life (his faith, his love for you) and how impressed he was with you for being such a loving, open-minded, supportive wife. It was a really surprising thing to read from PH, but it was all so true.
I am so happy the two of you have found a life plan that works for you and that it works so well. I’m grateful you let us all into your world a little bit.
Lolly,
I am in the early stages of working through the difficult news of my husband’s (married 29 years and counting) SSA. When you and Josh first “came out” I questioned your ability to really understand what you were in for since you’ve been married just 10 years. This article however touched my heart and spirit. I have gained an appreciation for you and your family and I hope to borrow a portion of strength and courage as I face the challenges ahead with my own family. Thank you for being a source of inspiration.
I also really liked what Rex said in his comments about becoming grandparents. We did just that two weeks ago and I thought it was a nice reprieve from the struggles we’ve been having, but I gained a better perspective as I read his words, “…your view of eternity and celestial marriage begins to really come into focus. Suddenly, you start to see the real promise of posterity that goes on forever.”
I’m so grateful for the support and resources being provided by the brave and spiritual souls of North Star.
Thanks, Snapdragon. And congratulations! Grandparenthood is so awesome!
Lolly,
Thank you so much for risking so much of yourself and your privacy to bless the lives of so many. Thank you.
Lolly I too choose a good and godly man but we do not have a ” traditional” sex life. We are young and each others 2nd marriage. My husband has ED from diabetes and we are not able to be intimate the way most couples would. I find that if peopl do know about this part of ou lives they question how I could have knowingly given up intercourse at our age and how can a marriage survive. I like you feel we have true intmacy and we are able to fulfill each other in other ways. While I my spouse is not gay and our situation is different we have the same thing in common. Choosing a meaningful love and marriage that is not only centered on sex being the only bond that defines our relationship. I find the stigma of ED is hard lfor people to understand and we are judged for what people precieve we don’t have. I feel emotionally moved by your bond with josh and know that we are not alone with what people precieve a traditional marriage looks like.