This is most likely old news at this point, but I would still like to talk about it.
Some time ago, a friend of mine sent me a news article that caught my interest. The article spoke of a married man that had openly declared his same gender attraction on his blog (see news article here, and the original blog post he made is here). Such an experience is generally called a ‘coming out’.
Personally, I’ve experienced same gender attraction at least since junior high school. I had no idea what I was experiencing or even had the words to describe what was happening to me. Yet somehow, I thought that the feelings I had were ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ even though I would never had called the feelings ‘gay’. I pushed on for many years without telling anyone about my feelings of attraction. I do remember praying that they would go away.
It was only on my mission that I finally realized to some degree what was happening. After a very scary confrontation with my first mission president, I was sure I wouldn’t tell anyone else. However, a few months later I had a new mission president who was much kinder and loving with me. After my mission, I learned a new term for what I was experiencing. ‘Same gender attraction’. Finally, I was able to tell my parents, my siblings, and some of my friends.
I started to write my own blog. I was always open about the fact that I had feelings of same gender attraction in my blog, yet I kept it anonymous for many months. After I thought it was the right time, I came out openly on my blog and claimed it as my own blog.
Why do I share this? Being open and honest about me was surprisingly frightening, exciting, and vulnerable. I even struggle with being honest about what kind of game I am in the mood for.
I admire the courage that this man and his wife have shown in being so open about this. I am filled with hope that people that are willing to be open about their struggles and are still willing to live the gospel.
I know that there many men and women of all ages that are struggling in silence with same gender attraction. Many of them may have succumbed to the lie that they cannot both have the feelings and still fully live the gospel. Many may believe that they can’t be happy in this life because of the feelings that they have.
I hope that a blog post like this can help to create an open and loving discussion about the challenge of same gender attraction. I hope that it will encourage those who struggle in silence to reach out for the support they need. I hope that it will help those who have given into despair to find hope. I hope that it will help those who feel they have ‘fallen too far’ to find the healing and redemption that can only be found in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
I am glad to see some who are braving the criticism of putting a mixed orientation marriage out for the public interest. I am also glad that you have had positive experiences with putting into words what you felt. For me, like others out there I assume, I have (through the long way) found my own way of dealing with SGA feelings. I met, long ago, with one student-ward Bishop involving a personal transgression and appreciated his loving approach to repentence, but it didn’t help me find the long-term support that I needed and I didn’t know understand the options or phraseology well enough to articulate my need for it. I didn’t understand the depth of my issue relating to homoerotic pornography, and the representation it provided of connection to maleness that had been longing in childhood and the need for which existed as an unrealized fantasy.
So, after a multitude of other mistakes in life, I had a life-changing experience that set me forward on an irreversible course that involved burying my past. I had resentment for a time towards those gay men who said “coming out” would be best thing I could do and I was grateful that I did not ‘come out’ within that context. I understand now that they were just speaking form their own experience, not comprehending the depth of attachment I had to the gospel, eternal goals, and traditional family creation. My situation, like everyone elses, was unique in certain ways.
So, I live a life with that personal can of worms buried and have reluctantly begin blogging under this name to make others on some blogs aware of men in my situation. When I am not blogging, I go back to being the sterotypical LDS husband and father, which is great for me–its what I always wanted to be. So while I am glad, Andrew, that you and others find and provide support by reaching out, I also wish the best to the closeted men out there whose life is built around keeping the SGA suppressed and looking forward, remembering no more the past. I hope that my participation in this small way is helpful and not unwelcome.
Jaramiah,
I really appreciate your willingness to share and join the discussion. I believe your contribution is helpful and I certainly welcome it.
I like how you’ve talked about being able and willing to bury our past. In my experience, there are many men who struggle substantially with issues relating to same-sex attraction, progress toward some degree of resolution, and move forward with their lives. I know I came to a point where I no longer felt the need for support or constant focusing on the issue.
Like you, I’ve felt impressed to continue to be involved by sharing my experience. Thank you for sharing.
Kevin
Andrew,
Thanks for the thoughts. My “coming out” in a public way happened in about 1995. The reaction was mixed. I lost a few so-called friends. I got called a few names and was under suspicion for a lot of things by local church leaders. Overall, the experience has been good. The people who decided they no longer wanted to be my friends are no big loss. They weren’t really friends in the first place.
Rex
I am not “out” as it were, but I am definitely “open” as I call it. While my blog is anonymous, I do have many friends who know and I speak with my feelings often with them.
While I don’t really have a desire to have everyone in the world know, it has been a wonderful blessing to be able to tell friends and close loved ones and talk about it. No one should suffer in silence and keep these feelings to themselves. Find someone you think you can trust, pray hard about it, and tell them if it feels right.
It will still be terrifying. This can be a big thing. But it really does help. Thanks so much for this post. I agree that the courage to open up and talk about your feelings is very important to our spiritual, mental, and even physical well-being.
It does take a lot of courage to “come out.” In a lot of ways, I hate that term. I appreciate how you clarified your meaning and tried to unpack some of the cultural baggage that comes with that phrase.
I think opening up and disclosing our experiences of same-sex attraction can be very liberating and helpful. And I also think that, if done incorrectly, “coming out” can create a sort of double-bind. In effect, I can limit my own growth and give others a restricting view of myself.
Thanks for adding to the conversation about the issue. We need more people who are willing to speak up and share their stories.
Kevin
Kevin, a few years ago, in a literary forum for Latter-day Saints, I suggested that “coming forward” was a better term for believing Latter-day Saints who experience same-sex attraction and want to tell their stories. I think it is a good step to take, so a word like “forward” sounds so much more better to me that “out”.