Sometimes I forget about this part of my life. I get caught up in the day-to-day of working, dating, serving, playing, and finding my own path… and for days or weeks at a time homosexuality doesn’t cross my mind. Attractive guys are still attractive, but it doesn’t occur to me. Girls still flirt to no avail, but it doesn’t seem to matter.
It’s nice to forget sometimes. But at some point in time, there’s always something to call me back. In most cases, it’s the realization that I haven’t written anything in a while… and the two-sided pang that accompanies that feeling. Part of me wants to just disappear. And part of me knows that I can’t.
Like tonight, when I woke up in the middle of the night and realized it had been a long time since I last posted. Thankfully, I found that I was scheduled for yesterday, and not a week ago.
I think that forgetting is actually a key aspect of moving on in life. Maybe not forgetting in the real essence of the word, but perhaps forgoing – moving same-sex attraction out of the spotlight that it can sometimes take (like it did in my life shortly after the mission), and focusing instead on other things.
That’s one reason why, sometimes, I hope that the people who I meet through (Gay) Mormon Guy will someday disappear. People change, homosexuality ceases to be a spiritual crisis or major thought or whatever in their lives, and they move on. In many cases, they’ve told no one… and so there are few ties that bind them to the world of being a Mormon homosexual.
I’m not sure if forgetting is in my future. Like I said, part of me wants to completely disappear – to live my own life when I finally fall in love, raise my family, and never look back. But I don’t know if that – the never looking back – will happen. Or if I’ll be writing, and therefore thinking, about this aspect decades in the future.
There is definitely purpose in remembering the Lord, His goodness and mercy, and in finding ways to incorporate His word in life. Purpose in finding the good in life – and rejoicing in the good that comes with everything (like the ability to love people deeply). But I think there’s also purpose in taking temptation, pain, and anything else that holds us down… and letting it dissolve into the ether. There’s purpose in forgetting.
This is an interesting question. Do we forget the preoccupations that same to consume our thoughts once we have made peace with those aspects of our lives?
Sometimes, I find it hard to relate to younger men and women who are dealing with problems similar to those I dealt with only a decade or so ago. I remember how I used to be so concerned about things, but I can’t quite relate any more.
I think it’s a matter of perspective. The more experiences we have, the more confidence we have in our ability to overcome challenges, and the more patience we have with ourselves, and the more faith we have the God will guide us even when the path currently seem insurmountable.
So perhaps it’s not so much forgetting as it is growing, and, as you say, letting go.
Mark, I think you are right. MormonGuy, you too. There is a purpose in forgetting. Things fade in and out of priority.. That’s a natural part of life, especially when you don’t constantly put a thing at the top of the list.
I feel you, Mark.
I’m not sure if it’s growing further away or forgetting what it’s like to be there. I know that in my life, I seem to feel more and more empathy as time goes on. Anytime I see someone who is struggling to come to grips with abuse, or who lives with depression, or who is trying to sort out his life in terms of the gospel… I feel like I’m there again. I have to do something. And whatever vacation my mind may have taken in the interim disappears. If the crisis fades, then so does the feeling of urgency, but there seems to be plenty of crises to go around.
So remind me again why I shouldn’t just let it all evaporate? Why should I continue to remind myself of my SSA by reading the North Star forums and this blog? Why keep going to Evergreen meetings? Why not just immerse myself in normal life? Why not use the time I’d otherwise spend on forums, blogs, and support meetings on building relationships with my high priests quorum, family, and OSA friends?
I’m sure I’ll still have the SSA moments, but they’ll come often enough of their own accord without my methodically reminding myself.
I think you should let it evaporate. Once you have moved beyond the crisis of faith that homosexuality often brings, the support groups, blogs, forums, aren’t necessary anymore. And perhaps, sometimes, they pull us backwards by calling up feelings and thoughts we dealt with long before.
Some of us feel called to stay – to do what we can to help others in the same path… but I think that we are the exceptions – hence why so many men and women’s stories, rightly, stay silently untold. Someday, I’m hoping that I can let this world disappear, too. That’s one of my dreams. Either way, if you don’t feel the compulsion to stay and share your story, then perhaps your time would be better spent developing relationships in the real world.
I didn’t read your reply until today because I decided on my own to “move on.” Then why am I back? SSA came up in my thoughts and scripture reading this morning. Maybe I’m not totally ready to ween myself off of the support and brotherhood here at NorthStar with examples like yourself.
So hang in there with your own struggles so you can lift the rest of us.