Sometimes I forget about this part of my life. I get caught up in the day-to-day of working, dating, serving, playing, and finding my own path… and for days or weeks at a time homosexuality doesn’t cross my mind. Attractive guys are still attractive, but it doesn’t occur to me. Girls still flirt to no avail, but it doesn’t seem to matter.
It’s nice to forget sometimes. But at some point in time, there’s always something to call me back. In most cases, it’s the realization that I haven’t written anything in a while… and the two-sided pang that accompanies that feeling. Part of me wants to just disappear. And part of me knows that I can’t.
Like tonight, when I woke up in the middle of the night and realized it had been a long time since I last posted. Thankfully, I found that I was scheduled for yesterday, and not a week ago.
I think that forgetting is actually a key aspect of moving on in life. Maybe not forgetting in the real essence of the word, but perhaps forgoing – moving same-sex attraction out of the spotlight that it can sometimes take (like it did in my life shortly after the mission), and focusing instead on other things.
That’s one reason why, sometimes, I hope that the people who I meet through (Gay) Mormon Guy will someday disappear. People change, homosexuality ceases to be a spiritual crisis or major thought or whatever in their lives, and they move on. In many cases, they’ve told no one… and so there are few ties that bind them to the world of being a Mormon homosexual.
I’m not sure if forgetting is in my future. Like I said, part of me wants to completely disappear – to live my own life when I finally fall in love, raise my family, and never look back. But I don’t know if that – the never looking back – will happen. Or if I’ll be writing, and therefore thinking, about this aspect decades in the future.
There is definitely purpose in remembering the Lord, His goodness and mercy, and in finding ways to incorporate His word in life. Purpose in finding the good in life – and rejoicing in the good that comes with everything (like the ability to love people deeply). But I think there’s also purpose in taking temptation, pain, and anything else that holds us down… and letting it dissolve into the ether. There’s purpose in forgetting.