So, I have 2 brothers. One older, one younger. Our lives fall on something of a spectrum. My younger brother (YB) is the tallest, my older brother (OB) is the shortest, and I’m in the middle. OB has a mostly full head of luxurious, unruly hair. YB is almost completely bald. I’m in the middle.
OB is a fairly traditional Mormon male. He’s a dentist. He camps, he fishes, he knows about sports of all kinds, was quite popular and ran track in high school, he grills stuff and builds things. He wears polo shirts and cargo shorts. YB is completely opposite. He wants to be a wedding planner. His FB statuses often involve a new pair of shoes he’s found. He knows 6 different ways to tie a bow-tie. His Christmas tree has a color scheme. (Yep, he’s gay too. My poor parents…). I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m a teacher/actor. I love musical theater and RuPaul’s Drag Race. I also installed my kitchen light fixture, and know how to change the oil in my scooter. Though admittedly I lean toward a new pair of shoes more than a new gas grill.
This holds true in terms of marriage and children as well. OB is married to an exceptional woman (seriously, they are the kind of couple that people make movies or write books about) with 5 – 5! – adorable children. YB has resigned himself to singlehood. To the point that he’s planning on spending wedding money instead on a 30th birthday bash in a few years. And I’m somewhere in the middle. I have kissed 3 girls in my life (not counting stage kisses). There’s only been one girl that I’ve ever seriously considered marrying. It didn’t happen for lots of reasons, and she’s now married to an outstanding young man who is going to do great things and change the world. I am not resigned to bachelorhood, but I wouldn’t spiral into depression if it happened.
Here’s the trouble. I’m kind of fickle. And when I say “kind of” I mean “annoyingly”. My affections are fairly capricious and can change on a whim. Often without warning (Often? Let’s try always). It makes me reluctant to enter into any kind of “beyond friendship” relationship. And it’s not just with girls, though the effect is certainly more pronounced in those circumstances. Plus every girl out there is now competing with the former almost Mrs. B. (I like to say that my time with her gave me hope that marriage is possible for me. It might also be accurate to say that my time with her ruined me.)
I also have an uncle who’s gay (argument for genetics anyone?). He is married to a woman. We had a conversation not long ago about these sorts of issues and he said that there have only been 2-3 women in his entire life (he’s now over 50) that he’s been attracted to.
So, here comes my question. What do I do about it? I know what the church encourages one, in a general sense, to do with dating (OB did it, and now has a family. YB feels to avoid it entirely, and that’s okay too.) You date lots of people until you figure out which one you can handle for the next 50 years or so. However in terms of the church’s dating policies, I feel like I’m more of an exception (though we are also encouraged not to see ourselves as exceptions, with the rare exception…). I don’t think that dating formula’s gonna work for me.
So married gay men of the church, what advice do you have for me? I realize every situation is different – especially when you throw homosexual attractions into the mix – but what are some things you found helpful? What advice would you give yourself 5 years ago? 10 years ago? What do you wish you’d known going into it all? Any fun date ideas? Help!
Greg, my answer you may read in my tomorrow’s Northern Lights blog post. I don’t know if it will be of any worth, but that’s what I has to offer.
Greg,
I also have two brothers. The oldest is a dentist, married with 5 kids, and has the most hair. He’s a huge scouter, does all the family outdoor grilling, and built a detached garage almost single handed. The middle brother is also married, no kids. I’m the youngest and the one with the least amount of hair. I spent a good deal of my 20′s and 30′s as a guide for an outdoor adventure company. I’m now married with 5 kids. The middle brother and myself are both gay (or same gender attracted… whatever you want to call it). We had a cousin on my dad’s side who was also gay but unfortunately died as a result of AIDS in the 90′s.
The best advice I can give is just be yourself and don’t hide it. Let it show who you are from the get go. Although I told my wife before we married that I was attracted to men, I made it sound as if I was over it. I wanted to be over it, but of course I wasn’t. It has been a long hard journey especially the last 5 years. I don’t regret getting married, but I do regret not letting the true me show through from the begining so my wife could have made a more knowedgeable decision whether to marry me or not. It is, at least in my case, very difficult to be truly united as a couple when this issue of gender attraction is always in the mix.
I recently found out that a relative of mine was gay — the closest relative of whom I know — the child of a second cousin. I have hundreds of second cousins. Now it’s possible that I have many relatives who are gay and still hiding in the closet like me so I don’t know about them. But I always wonder about that supposed genetic component.
Anyway, as I mentioned in my blog, I’m not a really good source of information about how to court a woman as a gay Mormon. I didn’t really know how to do it myself. I did date a lot of girls, but it was just for fun, I never intended to get serious. But there was this girl that I just loved to be around. We’d hang out and talk, and we had such similar interests. My problem was that since I never dated seriously in the past, I didn’t really know what to do. I just knew I liked her a lot. I kind of felt lost. But she was incredibly patient with me, and everything worked out. But whatever you do, when things start getting serious, make sure you’re totally honest with her. I’ll always be grateful that I was honest about my orientation with my wife while we were dating. If you are, she will be better at giving the kind of support you will need in your relationship.
As for how to actually go about dating, my experience is pretty thin. Using my past to make a suggestion would basically encourage you to date mainly for fun, and hopefully the right girl will show up. But my experience might not be the best one to emulate, so take it with a grain of salt.