Well, guys and gals, I guess I owe you an explanation. In my blog posts so far I never mentioned how I actually got to know my wife and how we dated and why.
First, a disclaimer. The story about us starting to date has become so famous and widespread among the Saints in my nation (as well as in some neighboring nations), that if I revealed all the details here, I wouldn’t be able to contain my anonymity. So, you will have to be content with bits and pieces of the story that is unknown to the rest of the mortals, until my wife and myself decide to come out full force.
Let me first answer an important question. Why have I ever, for the love of Pete, started dating girls? Wasn’t I a diehard, true blue homosexual? Well, yes I was, in a sense that I had zero attraction to girls. But my gaydar was pathetic. I actually had what I call a reverse gaydar. I was having crushes on males, but they would always, uniformly turn out to be straight.
Respect and brotherly love
One particular situation with a guy was legendary. When I was 21, I had a crush on a guy, an acquaintance of mine, who was two years younger than me. I approached him, and we went for a drink, and we talked and I carefully brought him to the point where we comfortably started to discuss my crush.
Now, another odd thing about me is that during my teenage years and throughout my twenties I had a number of straight male buddies with whom I developed a deep, meaningful, lasting and utterly appropriate connection. It was one of them on whom I had a first crush ever. It was also them to whom I came out first. And the odd thing is that those my male buddies have never, ever embarrassed me or rejected me or treated me in any other way but with utmost respect and brotherly love.
Winning me over
So, the same thing happened with this my acquaintance. When I told him that I was in love with him, he responded with calmness and consideration. He made clear to me that he was interested in girls and not in boys, but was also totally cool, appropriately curious and understanding. At one point during our conversation, he made an effort – without a guile or embarrassment – to win me over for the heterosexual side. I remember being disappointed with his response, but now I find his behavior flat out ridiculous nice.
Anyway, after being disappointed time and again, I was slowly coming to realization that a romantic relationship with a guy may not be in cards for me. That would have been much more uncomfortable thought, had my atheism also not started to slowly but surely melt away. So, in essence, as I was becoming more spiritual, I was getting more powerful promptings to try to make out with girls. The problem was, of course, that those promptings did not coincide with the increasing attraction to girls. I still had zero romantic feelings towards them.
My nebulous chatter
Dating girls prior to my joining the church was ridiculous and pathetic, which cannot get any worse than that. When all is said and done, it boils down to a couple rendezvouses with a lady who, bless her heart, was patient enough to listen to my nebulous chatter about our togetherness. Frankly, I was beyond clueless what to do with her and anyone of her ilk.
I’m embarrassed to admit that the situation didn’t change much even after I joined the church. Except for a few minor details. Let me first say that the marriage in the country of my residence among general populace is pretty much considered a prison sentence. If one can avoid it at all cost, it is advised that one should. That sentiment pretty much spills over into the local church composed of predominantly die hard converts like myself who still haven’t had a chance to grasp finer tenets of the doctrine like the importance of marriage and family. But at least, dating with chastity in mind among local church members is not considered as sinful as it is among non-members.
Paying the price
At this point, I would like to pause, and say that I’m poking fun at myself and things because I am painfully aware how next to nothing I knew about dating girls. I was feeling foggy and hazy and blurry and totally unsure about next steps. The only thing that kept me moving was the powerful testimony of the truthfulness of the restored Gospel that I had obtained and slight, but unequivocal promptings of the Spirit.
Later, when I already got married, I’ve encountered president Spencer W. Kimball’s quote which remained my beacon of light in times of great trials, so much so that it feels as if I had read it much earlier, while I was still dating.
“Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion”, president Kimball says, “and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”
I consider these words as true as they can be. I sought God’s will. And I clearly remember, that – as I was dating my now wife – I was determined to pay whatever the price. And I paid some of it, and I’m still paying it. But as I look back, there is no question in my mind that I chose the right.
Wow, what an amazing story! My life has been very different. I wish that I would have been prompted to date someone of the opposite sex. Considering I’ve never really been the least bit attracted to a man on any level that would have been a true miracle. All I would have had to pay for it, was the current life that I have, which if full of happiness. I am currently working to understand how the “happiness” that I feel now is from Satan. Satan is so clever, you have to watch out. Where was Satan, when I was miserable? No where to be found. He knew that I only needed the church to make me hate my very existence, so he spent his time elsewhere and now that I am happy living essentially the same life as before, except that I am true to who God made me, Satan has shown up and made me “happy”. I guess this is the struggle for us SSA people. BTW, people use to get really annoyed at me when I used a rainbow as a symbol. They would say that I didnt get to use that symbol because I didnt identify with being gay, I identified with being SSA, so i needed get my own symbol. By the way if you like that beautiful inspiration by Spencer W. Kimball you should read the Miracle of Forgiveness. It has a great section on homosexuality. It is very uplifting and faith affirming.
I like your comment, except for the fact that deep under the surface I sense a raging hate brewing. I may imagine that it is caused by utterly unfair treatment of you by your family and/or friends, and if I’m correct, I’m sorry. I’m a convert to the church in a place where Mormons are as numerous as penguins in Sahara desert, so I simply can’t identify with your life’s story. But one thing I can tell for quite certain. The raging hate that is brewing under the surface is indeed from Satan, not your SSA or your same-sex relationship.
Did you read Miracle of Forgiveness yet? There is plenty of hate in there for everybody. I am not full of hate, I am full of anger that there are kids reading this blog looking for answers and they only get to hear one side of the equation. You can be gay and have a loving same sex relationship that is full of happiness. The church can’t admit that. They have recently created a new mold for people to fit into if they have SSA. I have tried to fit into their molds my whole life and the peace that was promised never came. I am a life long member of the church and yes I am still a member. I am not full of hate, that was sarcasm. If you had experienced the self loathing that i did as a teenager because of SSA and the words of Spencer W Kimball, you would have anger too. It was not my family or friends who treated me wrong. It was me who treated me wrong. The church has since softened their words about SSA, but in my formative years I read the words of Spencer W Kimball that said that my SSA was my fault, that i was selfish, and that just having those feelings was a sin. My brother committed suicide at BYU because he believed the same damn lies. You are a convert and you may not be familiar with the pain and anguish that has been inflicted on SSA members of the church and gay people in general by the Mormon Church. (research the shock therapy that was done on BYU students to rid them of SSA). My anger doesn’t come from Satan it comes from a sad dark place where I use to live within the walls of the lds church and I honestly am tired of the church ping ponging around about their stance on SSA. When I was at BYU it was against policy to have SSA. That was only 10 years ago. Do I have anger toward the church? yes. Am I justified in this anger? Yes. The church has the blood of many gay and lesbian members on their hands. And trust me, they don’t apologize for their words or the anguish that people feel. You are not in the Mormon culture loop, but that quote you quoted about any young man and young women isn’t really popular any more. Probably due to the fact that the divorce rate among Mormons has risen considerably since then. I hope for your sake you have done your research about the Mormon church and gays and for Pete’s sake take off the damn rainbow picture. You are not gay. You have decided to hide and shun that part of you. Find your own symbol!
Hey, thanks again for your reply. I can only tell that you seem not to be in a healthy place in relation to the church. You are angry “because kids are reading this blog looking for answers and they only get to hear one side of the equation”?
Well, you are terribly undermining their intelligence. They can find whatever side of the equation they like just a click away from here. They are not confined to this place, thanks to the Internet. Hallelujah! So, what you are actually suggesting is that we make this place just like any other place. Not gonna happen.
Yes, I’ve read Miracle of Forgiveness and I have a personal copy. And yes, I am aware that the church have not handled SSA in the past the way it handles it now. It doesn’t make a particle of difference – as Bruce R. McConkie would put it – what had been before. Frankly, I don’t care. I live here and now. And what I see now, I like. Enough for me.
As for the picture, you don’t get it. It is just balloons in various colors. It is not a rainbow. And yes, I’m gay and I’m not ashamed of it, whether you like it or not.
Thanks for your post Jan. I always enjoy your insights from your own life experiences.
I hesitate to comment at all because I do not want to further any negativity, but I do want to respond to one comment which insinuates that young people reading this blog are only hearing one side of the equation and may be unfairly emotionally damaged because of it.
I should first say that I am a life-long Utah Mormon. I am familiar with the culture and imperfections that exist within the culture. I have experienced attractions to the same gender since I was young and have often felt hopeless and depressed. Looking back on my youth, those feelings of hopelessness and depression didn’t come as a result of attractions to the same gender, they came because I didn’t know how to react to those feelings and I didn’t know where to turn for guidance. The only “sides of the equation” that were presented to me were people happily living gay lifestyles (yes, I said happily) and those within the church who eventually abandoned their faith to join them. (That doesn’t accurately reflect the spectrum of lifestyles and choices that truly exist, but that is all I could see.) For someone like me, who has always had a strong belief in the gospel teachings presented through the church, I just wanted to know that I wasn’t the only one who had a desire to follow gospel teachings despite experiencing attractions to the same gender. I’ve never felt I could be true to myself and my spiritual feelings if I pursued a gay lifestyle, but I understand why others follow that path.
It was a personal choice I made to continue following gospel teachings despite my feelings of attraction, but I felt like I was alone in that choice and it was depressing to wonder if anyone else would understand my feelings. If I had access to a blog like this while I was a teenager, it would have saved me years of depression and grief because I would have seen that there were other people who felt like I did. I wouldn’t have felt alone for so long.
There are plenty of blogs out there with different viewpoints, which is great. Having a blog community like this one does not limit the “sides of the equation” that people are exposed to. It only increases the opportunity for people to see how many choices and resources are available to them for whatever path they – without being forced – feel like they should pursue.
I would just like to kindly point out a few things.
I totally get that reverse gay-dar thing. That describes my experiences, too. Although I never came out to anyone, all my crushes were on straight guys. I grew up in an area where the church was strong (not remotely a majority, but there was a stake and part of two others in my high school). Being born into the church but growing up gay definitely had its challenges. But I was good at hiding it. And I had developed a firm testimony of the gospel. But the guys I was attracted to were straight. I was lucky to fall for a girl once, and eventually married her.