Okay if this post is even less formal than my usual informal posts, it’s because this week has been a bit busy for me, between school, applying for an internship, and GETTING ENGAGED, my blogging has suffered a bit. Never fear though, I do have something to talk about, and that’s guys.
Now I’m not talking about men, the essence of manhood, what makes a man, or mankind. I’m talking about guys, chilling out, jeans wearing, privates-scratching guys. When men put down some of their walls, step away from the formality of being men, and just enjoy each other’s company. When I’m just having fun with my guy friends, then they’re not entities of masculine energy, they’re my guys, the men I can be a guy around.
Let me give you some examples: I love to frequent comic book shop. One in particular, I can guarantee whenever I walk in will be full of guys just buying comics. The owners love me so they don’t mind when I do this, but whenever I walk in I always ask some question to spark a geeky guy conversation, like “Who’s hotter, Michelle Pfifer Catwoman or Anne Hathaway Catwoman, and who’d win in a fight?” or “Superman vs. Iron Man, and no Iron Man can’t have Kryptonite.” Then we debate, usually with a lot of joking and teasing intertwined in. I really don’t care who would win between fictional versions of cat burglars, or weather a rich alcoholic can beat up an alien in his underwear, I just want to play.
One thing I’ve learned is I need guy’s night. Don’t get me wrong my fiancé (Squee!) can chill with the best of them, and is even considered one of the boys in many of my circles, but about every couple weeks I need a night with my guys, a night that has nothing to do with therapy or really trying to heal anything, but just to have fun. With the ladies gone, we sit around, eat trash, play games, and just have a good time. Just a few days ago I got my guys together for this. We went out to a Chinese buffet and I ate something with eyes still attached to it for the first time. One friend took pictures of himself in the arms of a panda statue. We went back to my place and played games while we teased each other into hysterical laughing. It was a ball!
So here’s the question I’ve heard before: Is it healthy to have guy’s night? What could be beneficial from getting together with a bunch of men and acting half your age? Well for me, it’s more than beneficial, it’s a need. I said that I had a guy’s night, well the one before that was over a month ago, and I was feeling it. It started out with wanting to hang out with my friends and have fun, and when I couldn’t get that I started feeling lonely. Oh don’t get me wrong, I loved spending time with my girl, and with my friends with my girl there, and with my friends in some more formal situations, but I needed some play time. As the last guys night got further and further away, I noticed my anxiety levels increasing, my depression increasing, and my SSA get stronger.
For me, it’s the idea of having a group of men on the same level as me. I’m not trying to impress anybody, or wonder if I’ve said the right thing, I’m just being me and they’re being them. It’s probably one of the best feelings in the world, and I highly suggest you try it sometime.
Hey Joe – I love this message. We (mr. idm and I) have been doing a lot of blog reading lately, and we are sure enjoying your posts. We totally ‘get you’, as your posts and your bio reminds us of our son who is a big guy, totally into movies, video games, and tv. He is an avid ‘Superman’ collector, and has a movie collection that ‘s his pride and joy. (before he left for his mission he cataloged his movies to be sure we didn’t loose any – lol) Anyway, he is now home from mission, married to an awesome girl, and going to college, majoring in film something?? I don’t know the official name, but he writes scripts, he’s been an artist since age 3, and he wants to be a movie director…. Why am I telling you all of this? — I dunno! lol
Anyway, I totally understand what you are saying in this post. It’s that way with ‘girls night’ too. I actually rarely have a ‘girls night’, but I have a couple of wonderful friends who are my walking partners, and we truly believe our ‘walks & talks’ to be therapeutic. Sometimes, when we miss for a while, we literally talk about how we NEED it,… the talking, laughing, etc. – even more than the walking. We don’t expect anything of each other, and never judge. We just love each other and are totally comfortable together. I haven’t always had this in my life, and I used to cry (this is as an adult with 4 kids) because I had no friends. I knew that in order to ‘have’ a friend, you have to ‘be’ a friend, and I didn’t feel that ‘I’ could be a faithful true friend like I wanted to be, when there was so much trauma and ‘the secrets’ in my life, regarding my husband’s SSA (and his addictions that resulted from it, etc.) But, I realize now that I was wrong, because I was just thinking about all that could ‘go wrong’, and I didn’t want to get hurt, instead of just having faith in ‘friendship’. I’ve learned a lot, and I know I NEED my sisters, my daughters, and my girlfriends.
I see this same scenario with my husband. He gets so much good from hangin with the guys. He loves hunting and fishing, and lots of other things, but, ‘if’ he gets too busy, or if too much time passes, he’ll end up on the phone with one or another of his great friends (none of them know about his SSA) and they’ll talk for a long time. I have always been supportive of his friends and the huntin and fishin (especially when he is with his Dad – as that relationship needs constant building and nurturing). I see him growing and getting more and more confident in his male friend relationships, and I know it’s a really good thing.
We all NEED to connect with our piers, and feel that sense of ‘belonging’, no matter how old or busy or important we get. It’s too bad everyone doesn’t get this. I hope all spouses who might read this will support and even encourage their spouse to ‘HANG WITH THE GUYS/GIRLS’. I’m gonna commit to myself that I will make more ‘play dates’ with my girlfriends from now on. Thanks Joe :)
I think many men and women gain a lot from spending time with a peer group that helps them affirm their identity and refreshes their commitment to responsibilities outside that peer group. That said, beyond marriage, life come along and many adults learn to find this sort of affirmation in much smaller doses. When a couple has multiple children, multiple jobs, church responsibilities, and more, it’s a miracle if they can find a night for each other, let alone extra nights to trade watching the kids so one of them can have a “getaway.”
Because of this, some adults find ways to get “guy/girl time” in less formal, organized circumstances. Sometimes it’s a two minute conversation at church, or lunch with a coworker, or chatting with another parent at the playground. Growing up into middle age does not mean abandoning these sorts of peer interactions, but it may necessitate re-imagining them something more practical.
I just like getting together with straight guys to show them that a guy like me is way superior to them. They won’t get the message if I don’t show up and show them how fun is done.
Joe, congrats for your engagement! :)