What’s missing in the discourse among gay Mormons is some hilarity. (And a touch of sarcasm, because I’m hopelessly infected by it.) I suspect that a book of funny stories about same-sex attraction and Latter-day Saints would sell rather nicely. (Probably more so outside of the community than within, but let’s not be too sarcastic.)
Gayness in Mormondom is finally losing its status of a deadly serious matter. Thank Heavens! After all, isn’t being gay quintessentially a Mormon feature? We like to sing & dance & dress handsomely & be polite to each other & hug & tear & be close. It is as if the only nice people that still exist on this planet are gays and Mormons, and both.
So, what is stopping us from laughing with our unique traits? Maybe we still haven’t realized that we aren’t that serious. Maybe we think that struggling and suffering make us more lovable. Or perhaps more straight? What a horrendous idea!
An Important Thing About Me
Whenever I have a session of a casual smooching with my wife, I like to do it with quick pauses between each kiss for the purpose of making remarks. “You seem to be trying…” (peck) “…to seduce me, Mrs Robinson…” (peck) “…Well, I’m afraid…” (peck) “…you don’t know an important thing about me.”
At which point, she breaks off and asks in a fake surprise: “Are you gay? Tell me you’re not! You couldn’t possibly be gay, could you?!”
I keep calm. I continue pecking as if nothing happened. “Yeah, I am gay…” (peck) “…and you are…” (peck) “…a woman in trouble.”
“Bet I am.”, she thinks but – for various reasons – doesn’t utter a single more word. Good for her.
(In)appropriate Dreams
You may argue that I’m a lucky gay guy whose wife has both good sense of humor and bad fortune to marry me, and thus it is easy to poke fun at homosexuality in a perfect gay Mormon manner.
“What about us”, you may argue, “young & miserable fellow same-sex attracted sojourners who drag ourselves into a single bed every night, hoping that we won’t have (in)appropriate dreams involving our best male friends, or worse?”
I understand. Yes, you are young and miserable, and I don’t envy you. You can, however, effortlessly become as old as I am by just relaxing. You have to become self-conscious. It is not all that bad being young single gay Mormon adult. You are uniquely interesting to both boys and girls.
Completely New Species
Ladies can use you as a perfect crying shoulder. You can know all their hopes & dreams & heartbreaks. You can surely identify. You can tell them: “Oh, I know exactly how you feel!”. They’ll appreciate it. And if you are a bit courageous and a bit ambitious, if you are interested in pushing the envelope of your sexual orientation, you may take advantage of all that confidential information by asking them for a date without them even noticing.
Guys may look at you as completely new species. But don’t be concerned. If they really want their eternal salvation achieved, they have to come to terms with their feelings. The official church web site mormonsandgays.org admonishes them to be nice and kind and loving to you. Which is exactly what you want from them in the first place. If they didn’t catch up with the latest developments in the Church’s stance on gays, you should perhaps draw that fact to their bishop’s attention.
What Homosexuality is All About
If a guy doesn’t look at you as if you are completely new species, he is either totally of your ilk or he already had his best buddy come out to him. If former, you can help each other to remain faithful. If latter, have him massage your shoulders.
Now, I don’t want to come across as prudish by not mentioning those gay Mormons who suffer so greatly that they are considering leaving the church. Look, you have to understand that being Mormon is very much like being gay. You can deny yourself to a certain degree, but at some point you have to come to terms with it.
So, why don’t you instead just relax and enjoy the ride while let your bishop make hard choices for you? By the time he makes up his mind, you may already find yourself either with a companion of a gender of your final choice or at peace with celibacy.
And that’s what homosexuality is all about, isn’t it?
That was fun to read. Thanks!
Hooray!!! This is exactly what I’ve been thinking. :)
So glad you broke the ice, Jan —– let’s keep this healthy light-heartedness (is that a word?) going, shall we? We need to share more about the truth of the ‘fun’ that we have, and the reality that our lives are not as ‘dramatic’ as some may assume.
If Mr. IDM & I would have only been taking better notes throughout the past 30+ years, and especially during the past 7+ (since our marriage has been ‘on the mend’), we would have the makings of both a hilarious sit com, and a block buster romantic chick flick. :D
For instance, just a couple of days ago, my husband and I were shopping in separate areas of a large store when I spotted an almost ‘spot on’ Bradley Cooper look-a-like. I grabbed my cell phone and called my husband, …..
ME – “alert! – Bradley Cooper look-a-like heading your way!”
HIM – “oh yes – I see him now. Wow! that’s amazing! – what SHALL we do?” ;)
ME – “I’m on my way – don’t loose him”
US – and we proceeded to follow him around the store, BOTH of us drooling all the way. – lol ;)
ps – well, we didn’t ‘literally’ follow him around the store, but we did continue to run into him several times, and we did go a little gaga. ;) lol (poor guy, I’ll bet he gets that everywhere he goes)
My wife and I were watching TV one night and this little trailer for the next sitcom showed the women in the show going to a male revue strip club and waving money at the dancers. I changed the channel. My wife said, “Hey, I wanted to watch that!”
“So did I?” smiling my little smile.
We watched something else.
LOL – Great one Rex! – yep, we can totally relate.
which leads me to yet another one about ‘us’.
One day, as the TV just happened to be paused on a close up picture of the statue of liberty, all of a sudden my husband said, “hey! – I had never noticed that the statue of liverty has boobs!” lol – and then there was this one…..
Recently, it was quite a surprise and unusual experience for me as well, as my husband, for whatever reason, felt the need to rewind and watch a Victoria Secret commercial several times over…. (which is not really characteristic of him – or at least didn’t used to be) ;) lol
Well, I always have said that I don’t like Secrets, especially Victoria’s.
I especially love the last paragraph. Brilliant.