May Your Burden Be LIGHT

This past weekend I and a friend were watching Les Miserables the musical.  When I was 17, I started reading the book written by Victor Hugo.  As I saw scene after scene unfold, I saw something that I had recently been clued into and wanted to share.   Something was hidden out in the open, what I call Shadowy.  I want to draw your attention to this little gem and another piece of precious shadow that is prevalent within our community and shine some light on the connection between these two energies founded in fear.

I once had a chat with one of the Founders of ShadowWork named Cliff Barry.   He pointed out one of the shadow energies that accompanies fear.   He identified it as the darkest energies that fear holds.  He also mentioned that the lightness about this energy is also pushed into shadow or hidden.  He called this energetic archetype PREDATOR.

When I say the word PREDATOR what thoughts come to mind.  As the Darkest of energies we often associate this archetype with Child Molesters and Rapists.  These words strike fear into many a heart of a parent or loved one.  Archetype in its purest form is neither good nor bad.  It presents a neutral paradigm upon which we layer meaning based on our own judgment and shadows.  For example, a neutral form of PREDATOR is a hunter within the Animal Kingdom (see one of the coolest example http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM).  At one time a human form of predator might be called provider.  One of the lightest forms of PREDATOR within the church is often called Missionary a word within the church that might conjure strong positive regard and may strike fear in the heart of some non-members.  Likewise the word Rescuer within the church, lately, conjures fond thoughts of our Prophets clarion call extolled in his Biography.  Yet, in some therapeutic circles the word Rescuer is considered an unhealthy stance.  Yet, all these energies are encapsulated in this word PREDATOR.

Now when folks have a strong fear reaction to some person or group, the underlying energy is often PREDATOR.  This was clearly present throughout the story of Les Miserables.  Jean Valjean as a fugitive parole was seen as a PREDATOR by Javier.  Likewise Javier spent his life hunting down criminals including Valjean.  Fantine’s coworkers fearing the predatory advances of the supervisor, became PREDATORS by attacking her and used her weakness against her, her Daughter Cosette who was being used by the PREDATORY Thenardiers to extort money out of her.  Later, Maurice was being pursued (PREDATOR) by the Thenardier’s daughter, Eponine, as he (PREDATOR) was chasing Cosette.  I highlight these examples to show how this archetype is prevalent in this story.

The counterpoint energy to PREDATOR is that of PREY archtype.  This archetype shows up often in such ideas as victim.  PREY can become PREDATOR in another form of shadow called Victim Posturing.  This turning the tables of PREY into PREDATOR is the most prevalent in what we call Entitlement Programs.  When I say this is when I see abled bodied healthy normal folks using government aid intended for those who are unable to work due to a bon a fide disability.

Political issues, like the one mentioned above, often tap into this energy and manipulate it to promote a certain ideology.  This last weekend, I read a very sad story where a GAY man was hunted down and killed near the famous Stone Wall Inn in New York.  The word Homophobic was used in trying to ascertain the killers motives.  The words used by the killer prior to killing the victim were words I would associate with hate.  The fear that often is associated with such hate is appropriately associated with PREDATOR/PREY energy.

Recently, I was called Homophobic.  It was implied that the use of such terms as Same-Sex Attraction and the desire d by such language to rid oneself of such attractions was a subtle form of Homophobia.   The irony of such is that I see my SSA as a gift/blessing from God and in the words of Ty Mansfield from Voices of Hope “A divine tutor”…not a shunned identity.  The other irony is that the person who called me such identifies as Gay.  The reason I say this is ironic is that the energy behind the term Homophobic is PREDATOR/PREY in nature.  By this I mean those who identify as Gay in Archetypal PREDATOR much like Victim Posturing use this term to lash out against or PREY on those who they see as PREDATOR.  This PREDATOR/PREY mentality is often used politically as well and is quite prevalent today in the media and is being used by politicians and law makers in PREDATORY fashion in order to protect me and folks like me.  They do this because in they believe I have fallen prey to PREDATORY practices of therapists and the Mormon Church.

Within our community, I have seen a much more prevalent form of PREDATOR/PREY mentality that appears to be shifting with the Voices of Hope Project, in the form of Heterophobia.  Three years ago I opened up about my SSA within my addiction recovery groups at the urging of a life coach, mentor and friend.  Prior to doing it, I called several of my buddies to ask them to be there as a support.  Those friends who were straight rallied behind me and cheered me on.  Several others who also experience SSA called and tried to convince me to keep my mouth shut.  Many fed me with strong fear based messages.  I was even warned that I would likely end up like Mathew Shephard.  Strong PREDATOR/PREY language was invoked to keep me silent and in fear.  Yet, I fought past that fear and shared openly.  Some of the guys who hadn’t known previously about my SSA and who I feared and crushed on, approached me and hugged me and gave me an assurance that I still belonged and was one of them.  At that point my attractions fueled by this predatory/prey mentality diminished.  To this day I speak freely of my SSA in these groups to shine the light of noon day on these shadows.

I still combat my Heterophobia, especially when it comes to women, folks at work and church.   I realize that such fear of the light is irrational at times and a product of my own misjudgment of people.  This stems from an unhealthy PREDATORY/PREY belief that I need to control others thoughts; one of the darkest of Shadowy behavior.  My participation on this blog as well as in my leadership capacities with North Star is my attempt to face such fears squarely in the light.  As I have done so, I have found these fears no longer haunt/pursue me.  Like, Jean ValJean, I am free and have no need to hide in the shadows.  I also noticed that the predominant PREDATOR in Les Miserables committed suicide.  I believe that Suicide is a the ultimate shadowy expression of PREDATOR/PREY and is often invoked in one of the darkest forms of Heterophobia.  May we all escape this terrible energy of PREDATOR/PREY by shining the light of truth on them.

ForeverSTRONG,

Jimmy Merrell

Another favorite thing of mine is that the LDS church claims a right to and a privilege of continuous revelation.

I cannot fathom how we could resolve issues in this day and age without having a well established communication channel with God Almighty on a personal and on a societal level. Without it, I myself would be clueless, particularly in the realm of my own same-sex attraction.

“Such and Such”

There are several events in the life of Bruce R. McConkie which I find impressive and deeply inspiring. I’d like to mention one in particular. Before the revelation of June 1st, 1978, Elder McConkie had been a staunch apologist of the priesthood ban for the black members of the Church. In more than one occasion he clearly and unequivocally stated his controversial positions, which were in accordance to practices of the Church in his time.

Soon after the revelation came, he gave a speech in which he mentioned people who were questioning his previous stance. People would write him letters and would say with apparent concern: “You said such and such, and how is it now that we do such and such?”

It is obvious that “such and such” meant Elder McConkie had said things that were contrary to the revelation received on June 1st, 1978.

A Particle of Difference

How did Elder McConkie respond to those inquiries?

“(…) All I can say to that is that it is time disbelieving people repented and got in line and believed in a living, modern prophet. Forget everything that I have said, or what President Brigham Young or President George Q. Cannon or whomsoever has said in days past that is contrary to the present revelation. We spoke with a limited understanding and without the light and knowledge that now has come into the world.”

“We get our truth and our light line upon line and precept upon precept. We have now had added a new flood of intelligence and light on this particular subject, and it erases all the darkness and all the views and all the thoughts of the past. They don’t matter any more.”

“It doesn’t make a particle of difference what anybody ever said about the Negro matter before the first day of June of this year, 1978. It is a new day and a new arrangement, and the Lord has now given the revelation that sheds light out into the world on this subject. As to any slivers of light or any particles of darkness of the past, we forget about them.”

Some people believe this is a conclusive evidence that the LDS church isn’t true. How on earth could it be that an apostle of God had adamantly advocated positions that later turned out to be otherwise? How is it possible that God would allow such thing to happen?

My Role Model

Okay, guys, call me naive or brainwashed or whatever, but that’s precisely the reason to feel additional measure of testimony of true and living God and His Church. (1) No one is perfect, no, not one beyond Jesus Christ. (2) God works in mysterious ways. (3) It feels right for black people to hold priesthood. Conclusion? I rejoice in the fact that “all the darkness and all the views and all the thoughts of the past” have been erased on June 1st, 1978, and that they “don’t matter any more”. I rejoice that “a new flood of intelligence and light” was added to what we already knew as individuals and as a group. I find all those things stunningly important and breathtakingly beautiful.

(You may disagree with me. Okay. But look, there are some who may agree. I’m writing this for them, and not for you. Please, don’t be antsy about it. Thanks.)

You may have noticed that I like to write about controversial issues in ways that are politically as incorrect as possible. So, I just want you to know that I will keep writing and taking positions regarding homosexuality which may not be popular in either of two opposing camps: rebel-rebels and faithful-faithfuls.

In doing so, I may end up writing things for which I may stand corrected by the brethren, one way or another. This hasn’t happened yet, but it may happen in the future. If or when it happens, I just want you to know that my role model for handling things is Elder Bruce R. McConkie.

“I wasn’t even sure why I was getting this medal, really.
No, that’s not true. I knew why.
It’s like people you see sometimes, and you can’t imagine what it would be like to be that person, whether it’s somebody in a wheelchair or somebody who can’t talk. Only, I know that I’m that person to other people, maybe to every single person in that whole auditorium.
To me, though, I’m just me. An ordinary kid.
But hey, if they want to give me a medal for being me, that’s okay. I’ll take it. I didn’t destroy a Death Star or anything like that, but I did just get through the fifth grade And that’s not easy, even if you’re not me.”

-”Wonder” R.J. Palacio

I felt a certain connection to this passage and wanted to say something about it, but I don’t know what to say.  So.  I’ll just let the words speak for themselves.

Incidentally, I recommend this book.  I may or may not have wept like a star-crossed Shakespearean lover whilst reading it.

A few weeks ago I was with a friend who was really having a hard time.  As I sat with my arms around her, I desperately wanted to sing her a song and I Am a Child of God popped into my head.  I quickly dismissed it, though, as my singing a song about I  to her didn’t quite feel right.  I have often felt that way as I have sung the song to many other children as a lullaby or for comfort over the years.

So I felt the need to rectify this situation.  How could this beloved song be sung to another person?  I spent some time thinking and this is what I came up with.  Some of the words have to be sung in a slightly different rhythm than the original, but it does all work.  I have been a little too shy to try singing it to my daughter as she is very into “rejecting” songs with her adamant, “NOOOO,” and I definitely don’t have the voice to sing a solo and post it here, so you’ll just have to sing it to yourself.

Our family, photo by Roberts Imaging, used with permission

You are a child of God

And He has sent you here

Has given you an Earthly home

With parents kind and dear

They’ll lead you, guide you,

Walk beside you

Help you find the way

Teach you all that you must do

To live with Him someday

You are a child of God

And so your needs are great

He’ll help you understand His words

Before it grows too late.

He’ll lead you, guide you

walk beside you,

Help you find the way

Teach you all that you must do

To live with Him someday

Our daughter Lilly, used with permission

You are a Child of God

Rich blessing are in store

I’ll help you learn to do His will

So you’ll live with Him once more

I’ll lead you, guide you,

Walk beside you

Help you find the way

Teach you all that we must do,

To live with Them someday.

I tried to change it up a little bit, giving it different perspectives as appropriate for different time of/in life.  Maybe it can give you some comfort now or later (because life just SUCKS sometimes, let’s be honest).

We are blessed, though, with friends, family, church leaders, and inspiration directly for us and the general population as a whole;  all which work together to help us get from where we are to a better place–ultimately to live with our Father in Heaven “once more.”  This is my hope and prayer at least.

In this past week, I have come into contact with several other LDS SSA who report similar feelings of frustration and depression, in particular about their purpose in life and their membership in a Church that, until recently, and still does to some degree, cause its gay members to feel marginalized. In truth, any member of a social group can feel marginalized when that member perceives a disparity between the person’s perception of the ideal group member identity and that person’s own perception of personal identity. The gap between those perceptions may be a large part of why many gay mormons deal with feelings of depression.

Depression can feel like an illness that consumes one’s whole life and paints all of one’s experiences in thick coat of emptiness. Ironically, humour-blogger/artist Allie Brosh recently wrote/drew about her experiences with depression [warning: linked post contains some language that will probably offend those who are easily offended]. Much of her experience may resonate with gay mormons who begin to question the purpose of carrying on a life that feels hollow and fake — a description gay mormons might use to describe a life that appears to follow the superficial aspects of LDS Church membership and a life that abandons the law of chastity. Either way, many LDS SSA people feel hopeless about the future and fall into a state of indecision and depression.

When I was experiencing these sorts of feelings, I came across 1 Corinthians 13:12:

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

When I first read that scripture, my mind only seemed to be able to read the first phrase, and I became fixated on the idea of “a glass, darkly.” This, I told myself, was how I felt. I was alive, I was interacting with others, but much of my experience felt like watching life happen through a dark lens, rather than an active participation in my own life.

I have previously written about how, in great part to the moral support gained by learning that I was not alone as a gay mormon through online communities, I eventually emerged from that spiritual fog and gained a much better perspective on my ability to lead a happy, meaningful life. I am not alone in these types of experiences. Many men and women have faced the same hopelessness and have come out of it with a renewed sense of empowerment. And yet, many more are just beginning to come to terms with their feelings of depression. What can we do to help them? Does every gay mormon have to go through a period (or a lifetime) of depression?

I have often wondered whether the LDS SSA community would benefit from a “It Gets Better” campaign. The YouTube medium “It Gets Better” campaign is an effort to help LGBT youth realize that even though life can be difficult when you don’t feel like you fit in, there is a place for you in society and eventually you will find your place and people who love you for who you are. Yet, this campaign doesn’t have much to say to gay people who wish to remain active in the LDS Church; those voices don’t appear to have participated.

I think this is spirit behind the Voices of Hope project. And although I was initially hesitant about the VoH website (it’s too clean, shiny, and commerical-feeling for my tastes), when I listened to a couple of the videos, it’s clear that the intentions of the participants are honest, vulnerable, and very inspiring. I do wish that VoH would take on a more grassroots approach similar to the “It Gets Better” videos and allow anyone’s user-created #VoH-hashtagged YouTube videos to be linked to the VoH website. Somehow, I think that would help reach a larger audience and would overcome the top-down control feeling that I get from the project’s website. But maybe that’s just me.

This week as I went back and re-read the thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians, I realized that perhaps I may misunderstood the message of this scripture. The entire chapter is about charity, or the pure love of Christ. Perhaps the Paul was trying to teach us that true disciples of Christ love fully, completely, unconditionally. Perhaps some of the feelings of despondency experienced by gay mormons results from an immature sense of love–a love of one’s self as a child of God. In many other languages, “a glass” refers more clearly to “a mirror.” So perhaps Paul wanted to show that when we allow Satan to cloud our minds and make us believe that we are second-class, unacceptable, or inferior, we fail to see ourselves as God sees us.

The remedy may involve the following:

• Learning more about how God loves unconditionally
• Loving others with that same love
• Feeling –and believing– that others, including our fellow Church members, love us, not only for who we can become, but also for exactly who we are right now

It is simple to write that criteria, but it can be challenging to accomplish it. I pray that as we strive towards building a community of love, both in our Church wards and elsewhere, we will see one another and ourselves as God sees us. 

Xyla Faye Moore Goode Kelley

I sat in a crowded room, looking down at the bare feet of a young surgeon. My mother sat in a chair nearby along with my stepfather, other members of my family, my mother’s home teacher, and her bishop.

The surgeon was good-looking and somewhat disarming for me. It wasn’t a coincidence that he wasn’t wearing shoes and socks. That’s how he worked in the hospital. I had the same stirrings of attraction I always have had for a man with a smile like his and a certain level of audacity.I wasn’t there to think about handsome doctors, but my mind went back momentarily to the day I told my mother I was attracted to men. Her answer was so practical and simultaneously revealing what kind of mother and mother-in-law she was.

“You still love Barbara, don’t you?” I assured her very much that I did. That was really all she wanted to know. I know her and it was really her way of saying, “You’re happy, aren’t you?”

My thoughts were brought back to the room in the hospital by my mother. She wanted to know if I had any impressions. We had been studying out in our minds to know the will of the Lord concerning the information the young physician had given us.

We knew the teachings of the Church about receiving answers. You study it out in your mind and then you ask God if the answer you think is right is according to his will. He answers via a burning in your bosom or a stupor of thought, yes or no, respectively.

My mother had pancreatic cancer and it was our task to help her to decide whether to have a risky and painful surgery that would give him a better idea how far her cancer had progressed and simultaneously be an opportunity to cut part of her pancreas away and maybe save her life. There was also the added problem that if the surgery failed, there was nothing remaining that could be done for her. What little life would be left would be spent in pain from the surgery and the unstoppable cancer.

In that moment, all ears were focused on me. The surgeon had given his speech. My stepfather was at a loss. He wasn’t a member of the Church and not a praying man. He believed in God, or so he said, but we hadn’t seen any evidence of it growing up beyond listening to gospel albums by country singer, Hank Snow.

The home teacher and bishop looked at me expectantly and the other members of the family waited. In my lifetime, I’ve had to pray for many answers.

I’ve been a president of this and that in the Church and had to prayer to know who to call as counselors. I prayed about who to marry. I had a major prayer where I wrestled with the Lord over my life and struggle to deal with my homosexual behavior.

Yet, here I was being asked by my mother to utter some profound answer that we could take to the Lord in prayer. She wasn’t asking her husband. She wasn’t asking her bishop. She wasn’t asking her home teacher, both men much more experienced in things like this than me. She was asking her only living descendant and I was terrified.

I closed my eyes and silently prayed for anything. I asked for a set of scriptures and felt led to look at Doctrine and Covenants 123:17.

Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

I opened it there and pretended to read it. I didn’t need to read it. I had inscribed it on my heart many years before. I thought about my mother and the life she had led, all of the many challenges, heartbreaks, and corrections she had need to make. If there’s one thing I knew about my mother, it was that she needed to fight, even if the fight held no promise of being one.

The choice between just slipping out of life quietly versus a last effort to find an answer and maybe live seemed clear in light of the idea of doing all things that lay in her power right then. We knelt, even the doctor, and prayed over what we felt was the right thing to do.

After the prayer, all eyes turned to me again and I unmistakeably said that I felt it was right. The others agreed and my mother told the doctor that she would do it.

One day, while visiting my mother in hospital, I used the pay phone in the hall to answer an ad in the paper for a database administrator. I went to an interview and was offered the job, complete with moving expenses from Ohio.

The surgery revealed a tumor too far gone to remove and my mother went into hospice care, first at home. I had flown home to Ohio, packed up my son’s car, and drove it back to Oregon and moved in with my parents while my wife handled the move.

Four months later, my mother passed away. I had my doubts about my experience with the scripture and the prayer. Sometimes, I still do. I guess what I worry most about is that my mother might think I made the wrong decision, because she had such high hopes that the surgery would cure her and she could go on living. I don’t remember anything in that experience that led me to believe she would live, though I kept it to myself. I just knew that it was in my mother’s nature to want to feel she had tried everything.

Before that time, I had made it the theme of my life to make sure I’m doing everything I can to do what is right and let the Lord be in charge of the outcome, knowing that whatever he decided would be his according to his own will and I could accept it.

Since then, even more than before, I still believe deep in my soul that just praying for something isn’t enough. I have to do everything I can and not only do it, but do it cheerfully. Many, many times, in doing so, I’ve seen the arm of the Lord revealed. He doesn’t always do things the way I want, but has always been willing to show me his salvation.

Life can be a terrible burden sometimes, but I have learned how much better it can be to bear it cheerfully and to do everything that lies in my power, having faith that the Lord will bless my efforts and make everything right.

In the heav’ns are parents single?
No, the thought makes reason stare!
Truth is reason; truth eternal
Tells me I’ve a mother there.

When I leave this frail existence,
When I lay this mortal by,
Father, Mother, may I meet you
In your royal courts on high?

I do love that we have a hymn in which we sing about our Mother in Heaven. We don’t talk about her much, as the Church leadership has always discouraged it. I certainly trust in that. Actually, I trust in Heavenly Father’s wishes, I should say.

But because this is Mother’s Day, I just wanted to honor her, along with earthly mothers. I also wanted to mention how important it has been for me to have a sense of a Heavenly Mother who loves me and is pleased with what I’m doing. She understands what I’ve been through, why I’ve done the things I’ve done, and why I now spend so much time writing about and helping with those who experience same-sex attraction. I know her love is unconditional and infinite. She and Heavenly Father have served as perfect parents.

Needless to say, like everyone else, my earthly parents have not been perfect. And now, as a mother, I can certainly say I have definitely not been a perfect mother. Still, I am the woman who was to join with my husband and raise our three children to the best of our imperfect ability.

As I have “matured,” I’ve gotten much better at forgiving my earthy mother for her mistakes and finding the approval I never felt from her through having a sense of my Heavenly Mother. That way, my expectations for my earthly mother have eased up and my acceptance of her has greatly improved. She did and has always loved me, and I’ve always known that. I’m grateful for that.

And who says old dogs can’t learn new tricks? The topic of same-sex attraction has always been difficult for my mother. She has never been too crazy about the work I’ve done in that direction, but never negative, either. And then, when I appeared in the Deseret News article and on the Church website in December, my Mom surprised me in a wonderful way. She said she was proud of me for what I’d done. Never before had she said she was proud of such work and it was great to hear it from her.

She also wrote in a card, because it was easier for her to say that way: “I want to tell you I have always been proud to be your mother. And never more so than when I read your article in the Deseret News. You’ve always been courageous but that was certainly the ultimate challenge… You have risked your own comfort zone to help to bring love and understanding to those among us that have to deal with same-sex attraction.”

Years and years ago in therapy, and in life, I learned how to feel good about myself whether or not my mother was supportive. But, I have to say, it’s awfully nice to feel “mother approved,” now. I’m also grateful that I felt Heavenly Mother Approved so many years before that.

Their theme for the month of May is Acceptance.  I took the time yesterday to read their “Stimu-Mail,” which comes daily, and found some great insights.  I especially liked this bit from the Inner Visions’s founder, Iyanya Vanzant

Acceptance is receiving without criticism or judgment; to embrace the fullness of a situation or experience; an inner realization that all is well, regardless of the outward expression.

*   *   *

You do not have to like what is going on in your life, but you must accept that it, whatever it is, is going on.  As long as you do not accept reality, you are powerless to define the role you will play.

*   *   *

Acceptance is knowing that no matter what, everything is and will be just fine.

*   *   *

Acceptance is simply recognition.  When you recognize a thing you see it for what it is.  All of our experiences, no matter how awful they appear to be, are temporary.  Acceptance of an experience as a temporary situation can make it a lot easier to handle.  It does not mean you will not be temporarily angry, frightened or senseless.  It means you can usually handle something in a calmer manner when you know it is a temporary situation.

*   *   *

Accepting a thing does not mean you approve of what is going on.  Nor does it mean you are not being impacted by what is going on.  Acceptance means you are able to withdraw the emotional attachment just long enough to really see what is happening . . . it is only from the emotionally detached posture of acceptance that you can make a wise choice.

*   *   *

By accepting what is, you become keenly aware of what isn’t.  When you know what isn’t, you can begin to determine what you must do.

Adapted from One Day My Soul Just Opened Up

by Iyanla Vanzant

This all came to me recently in the middle of a really tough week.  My husband and I were barely speaking to one another (something that has only happened one other time in our marriage) and because of this and some other things going on in my life as well, I was not sure where I stood with myself, let alone with him.

But then I took the time to read this.  I have been in the habit lately of just “archiving” my daily emails from the Institute, but I felt I needed to read it that day.  I am so glad I did.  I began to look at my situation from a whole new perspective.  And I have re-read this at least three times while writing this piece, just to make sure that I truly believe it all.  Every time I do I am able to take a deep breath and say, “Yes, this is very true.”

I can look at any and every situation in my life and apply this and feel an instant feeling of peace and calm.  It is a relief knowing that I am not in charge of my life from Heavenly Father’s point of view.  It is a releasing of my control and an acceptance of what IS and what I can do about it.  If I know I am doing everything that I can, then I can continue on as is.  If I recognize areas where I am falling short of doing my part, I can (try) to make the necessary adjustments and pick up my own slack.

The week has ended on a much higher note.  My husband and I are on full and open speaking terms once more.  We have accepted the past, the present, and have a mind to accept the future as it comes.  We have a plan.  Hopefully we have determined what we “must do.”

I recently spoke in sacrament meeting about how following prophetic counsel has brought me peace and joy in spite of my SSA. During the previous two weeks I had thought a lot about my life experience and how prophetic counsel had guided me and the more I thought about it the more it became clear that my testimony of the Savior and His prophets is deeply connected to my SSA. I also thought about President Monson’s recent talk during the priesthood session of general conference in which he admonished the men of the church to “teach with testimony.” I found myself confronted by seemingly conflicting ideas. First, it has always rubbed me the wrong way when I have read stories about members with SSA using the pulpit in sacrament meeting as a platform to “come out.” I think it is selfish and self-centered (and possibly judgmental of me to think this). Second, I have this testimony that is inseparably connected with my SSA experience. I felt conflicted. At the end of the day I did not want this talk to be about me. I considered different ideas and approaches, “could I talk about my faith without explicitly discussing my SSA?”

Due to general conference falling on the first Sunday of the month, fast and testimony meeting was moved to April 14th, and I was scheduled to speak on the 21st. During testimony meeting a ward member named Emily stood up and testified that she is a believer. My children were having a hard day that day but when Emily spoke I felt the Spirit direct my attention to her words and, for a few moments, I was able to feel the truth of what she was sharing. I was touched by the idea of being a believer and felt like this was the direction I wanted to take with my talk; however, I was committed not to making this talk about me or SSA so I concluded that I would talk about my marriage and how listening to prophetic counsel has blessed my married life.

On April 21st I was walking out the door to load the children into our van to go to Church where I would be the concluding speaker and my wife said, “Can you please not talk about our marriage?” With a smile on my face I agreed not to talk about marriage.

Over the next hour or so while I waited for my turn to speak I began rewriting another talk in my head. I thought about different scriptures and quotes I could use but could not pinpoint a clear direction. I got the impression again to discuss my SSA. I again, rejected the idea, determined not to be “that” person. Still the thought would not leave my mind and I finally rationalized that if Jeddy Stailey or another friend walked in the chapel I would take that as a sign that I needed to relate my experience with SSA in context of the topic. Now, I did not believe this would happen (though, inwardly I wanted it to be true) but no sooner had I had that thought, Florisel, Jeddy’s wife, entered the chapel. The Spirit hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew—I knew I was going to talk about how following prophetic counsel has brought me peace and joy in spite of my SSA.

The experience was somewhat nerve-wracking and I thought I was going to pass out at one point. I left the chapel during the intermediate hymn to get a drink and relax. It was one of those stepping into the dark experiences where I did not necessarily know whether it was the right decision. It was not until I stood up to speak and looked out on the congregation that all fears and doubt left my being—I knew then. It was as though I stepped into the light and felt an immense spiritual influence taking over. I bore a powerful witness that prophets are a manifestation of God’s love and that when God has a message for His people, He sends prophets. I discussed how prophetic counsel had guided me and provided me with needed direction during my early adult years as I tried making sense of my SSA. My message was one of hope in Christ and trust in His words as delivered by His servants the prophets. In the middle of my talk I spoke directly to Emily, who had a week earlier, declared her belief. I told her that I too am a believer and stand with her in sharing my testimony of God’s plan for us.

Emily and others were surprised by my candor and authenticity; I even got a few jaw drops. These people knew me as this faithful, God-fearing, prophet-loving, Church-devotee and had never imagined one such as I would have SSA. Emily later confided that SSA has impacted her family and their testimony of the church. Many of her family members have become embittered toward the Church and have turned away from it altogether because of its stance on gay marriage. However, while she did not accept their beliefs she wanted to believe that there is room for everyone in the Church, even those with SSA. The months, weeks, and days before her April declaration of belief, Emily had been praying and considering whether God had a place for His children with SSA. While she did not get a concrete answer to that question, she did receive peace that living a gay lifestyle was not right. Emily explained that when I spoke to her during my talk she felt Heavenly Father telling her, “Emily, are you listening, stop getting distracted with your children. You are a believer.” She felt like it was an answer to an unspoken prayer. In an instant it became clear, God has made a way for all of His children to receive the blessings of the gospel, even those with SSA. Until she heard my talk she had not known of any “success” stories and the experience was truly meaningful for her.

I have since received other expressions of gratitude and requests for help. One mother came up to me after sacrament meeting, in tears, and simply said, “I thought I was going to be picking him up from the MTC this last week. Will you write him?” She was referring to her son who is currently in the MTC and is struggling with his faith. With tears in my own eyes, I promised her that I would write. Later that night I received an email from another member simply thanking me for letting her and others in the congregation know that, “we’re not the only one who battles the forces of the world.” Several others have approached my wife and I about this issue and we have been fortunate to share our testimonies and other resources like North Star and the Voices of Hope Project. Already these people are feeling hope and encouragement around this issue.

Additionally, I have had somewhat of an epiphany: not only do our voices give hope to other people with SSA; there are straight members of the Church who need to know that we, faithful members, exists. I feel more motivated then ever to be a Voice of Hope. People like Emily need to know our stories, they need to have some reassurance from Heaven that things will be alright for members with SSA and that God loves all of His children. They need to know that in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints there is a place for everyone, including those with SSA. So the idea of leaving Emily or any other of our brothers or sisters comfortless because of fear of vulnerability or of being wounded by naysayers just does not seem right to me. Instead, I hope more of us will raise our voices, remembering, “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love. Therefore be not ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God.”

I recognize and respect that each of us is on his or her journey and that the level of openness with which we approach our SSA is a personal issue. Let us therefore choose love, not fear, when deciding on the level of openness with which we approach our SSA. In doing so we can provide some needed hope to some stranded believer who is kept from the truth only because they do not know where to find it.

She nailed it. I’m not very fond of political correctness. I believe it is a cancer that destroys honesty and integrity of every society that indulges in it. The country I live in is mortally wounded by it, and the same is with most other European countries. The US is greatly affected by it, although, thank goodness, not yet to the point of irreparable damage. So, in the spirit of total political incorrectness I love so dearly, let me say a few more words about gay marriage.

That ought to stop

Pain and suffering that gay people have endured in the yesteryear is difficult to comprehend. Level of misunderstanding of our condition is immense. Even we ourselves do not fully get it. It is also not easy for a straight person to wrap their head around the subject. So, people with same-sex attraction have been dealt with and have dealt with themselves unconscionably harshly. That ought to stop.

Personally, I’m not very happy that the issue of homosexuality entered into the public consciousness and discourse through the issue of gay marriage. But if I had to choose between remaining silent about it and being steered towards talking about it by unfavorable means, I would choose later. Having a dialogue on such emotionally charged subject is better than having no dialogue at all, because once the conversation begins, it is always possible to stir it in a direction that someone deems appropriate and/or favorable.

Have you noticed the shift in the public discourse related to the issue of gay marriage among both membership and leadership of the LDS church since Proposition 8? Recent political efforts to legalize gay marriage in several states in the US have been exerted without vigorous participation of Mormons. When compared to the level of Mormon activism in California related to Prop 8, the absence was screaming visible.

Those who are not happy with the engagement of the Church against gay marriage believe the shift is brought about by the damage on the public image of the Church as well as the defeat in public relations arena. Although I do believe the brethren have been steered to think about it, I also believe that this has been excellent example of receiving guidance from God “line upon line, precept upon precept”.

A moral and a political matter

I think that the brethren originally thought the issue of gay marriage was a moral issue with a strong political overtone. There is no question that marriage between members of the same sex is both moral as well as political matter. However, it seems that the brethren realized the political portion of the issue wasn’t the one they thought it was. I argue that the shift in understanding is clearly expressed by how the Church defended it’s position in recent Supreme Court hearings about gay marriage. Church claims weren’t about sanctity of heterosexual marriage. They were about states’ rights.

What does that tell me? It seems that the brethren realized the institution of traditional heterosexual marriage isn’t threatened by assertions of gay people about marriage equality. Instead, they seem to reckon that the greatest threat is actually the Federal government itself. Bingo!

A religious organization that has a long and distinguished record of being abused by the state should know that one is not supposed to kick against the pricks of the modern religion of statism. Not because that modern religion is true, but because it uses lethal weapons as the point of argument.

We will likely lose

As soon as that is realized, it is obvious that political activism is not a solution. That’s why – in foreseeable future – faithful Mormons under the direction of the Church leadership likely won’t engage in any kind of fierce battle against anything that resembles anything to Proposition 8. Yes, we may still be against it, but quietly. And since only loud prevail in this world, we will likely lose. And that’s okay.

Because, that sword has two edges. Yes, gay marriage sanctified by the state will cause further deterioration of the moral condition of the society, just as the same sanctification of straight marriage had done it in the past. But it will also open new means of discussing the subject of homosexuality. Prudishness won’t be the reason for not tackling the matter, because, we will be forced to inquire, to openly discuss, to refine our positions by defending them. And that’s good.

Thankfully, political correctness in America still hasn’t strangled all the debate as it has done in the country of my residence. So, America still at least has a chance to keep intact some pockets of moral resistance within society, which may end up being a valuable asset in times of great trouble caused by moral decay around us.

Before I close, let me assert once more. I am not against gay marriage. I’m against marriage, gay or straight, sanctioned by the government, thank you very much.

For those unfamiliar with the term, limbo is a kind of in-between place between heaven and hell, where souls who aren’t quite on either side go to wait for the last judgment. Yes, I know this doesn’t exist in LDS doctrine, but would you believe me if I told you I was just there? Waiting somewhere between paradise and a pit to be judged?

Well, let me tell you a story.

So, give or take 3 years ago I came home from my mission with an anxiety disorder in one hand and a can-do spirit in the other. On the advice of some dear friends I decided to try attending college, and to reduce my anxiety I decided to live completely off of financial aid, that way I didn’t have to worry about a job interfering with studies.

Probably not the best move, but whatever.

I started at Salt Lake Community College and eventually transferred last year up to the University of Utah, where the campus was bigger, the classes were harder, and the tuition was more expensive. I squared my shoulders and hit the challenge head first.

Then I ran straight into a wall.

About a month ago I found out that my financial aid for the year had run out, meaning I couldn’t pay for summer semester like I always had. Everything would be fine in the fall, but before that I faced four months without any financial support.

The thought terrified me.

Quick jump even further back: my family wasn’t the richest family on the block when I was growing up. In fact the threat of not having food or being able to pay rent was a real possibility some months, so I have an ingrained fear of poverty. All of those fears came rushing back when I found out I didn’t have financial aid. Even though my friends and family assured me everything would be alright, and my land lord made arrangements so I could stay until I could come up with rent, I still freaked.

So there I was, facing finals and poverty at the same time, and panicking about both. Sadly, life can’t put one disaster on  hold to deal with another, and I knew the only way to get out of my financial crisis was to go back to work, a thought which also filled me with dread. I’m an anti-establishment free-spirit by nature, so the thought of having to wear a stupid uniform and say “How may I help you today?” with a big phony smile every single day filled me with almost as much dread as the poverty thing.

Not more dread, so I started sending out applications.

This is about the time I started to pray. I sometimes consider myself a bad-weather Christian, where when things are going fine I tend to neglect scripture study and prayer, but when things are bad the first person I go running to is God. Probably not the best way to do things, but I’m human and that’s where I’m at. So in this crisis I started praying, read scriptures, and asked for a blessing. I’ve never bothered trying to ask my Heavenly Father for specific things, I just try to let Him know my situation and ask him to put it in His hands and then go from there. This as you may well imagine takes a great deal of faith, and a belief that despite His sense of humor everything will work out okay.

Did it?

I had 6 job interviews in a week.

You tell me.

I spent a week in my best shirt and tie, with my freshly shaved face and my best missionary smile talking to managers about how I would be a good employee, how I would be good with customers, coworkers, won’t steal merchandise, and how the guy before me is a convicted serial killer.

Whatever I had to do for the job.

Now for the limbo part. My finals turned out to be almost a joke, so studying for them was a breeze, and since I had no idea when the next time I’d get money would be spending the little I had left was out of the question, I found myself spending a lot of time at home. Waiting. I was waiting for call backs, decisions, and just simply for someone to call and tell me whether or not I was good enough to hawk their merchandise. Call me a snob, but it was degrading to think that I was sitting here waiting to be judged on whether or not I could do something I didn’t want to do in the first place, but that I wanted them to say yes just out of survival instinct. The thought was depressing.

So I waited, day in and day out, doing homework, playing video games, watching Netflix, praying, and just generally trying not to go crazy. I did a 1000 piece puzzle. I made a collage out of magazine clippings. I cleaned EVERYTHING, but most of all I waited for judgment I didn’t even know would come or not.

At one point my faith was tested even further when I got another job interview with a place near my house that I loved going to anyway. Perfect, right? Except that I was waiting to hear back from another job that would be even more perfect if I wanted to work while attending school (An option I’m exploring so this doesn’t happen again). But besides that, the place just didn’t feel right. The staff was friendly, the business perfectly legitimate, but I had the unmistakable feeling that I was in the wrong place. If I was Batman I’d expect the Joker to step around the corner. If I was Luke Skywalker I’d expect Darth Vader to jump out from behind a counter.

They offered me a job the next day.

Do you see why I said God has a sense of humor?

So here I am, sitting in my waiting spot, with this place on the phone saying they want to hire me right now, and the other place saying they’re not sure yet, but my gut telling me that the first place isn’t what I need. So do I take the sure thing, or do I exercise some faith in my promptings and gamble for the other job?

I said a little prayer, and politely turned them down.

What can I say, I like to live dangerously.

So I went back to limbo, to the waiting, and the cleaning, again not knowing what would happen, but having faith if even if the perfect job didn’t call me back I had acted on my prompting and did what I felt was right. It would be small comfort from my cardboard box in a couple months, but it was there.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Joe, you beautiful stallion of a man, get to the end! Did you get the job of your dreams or will you be pushing a shopping cart full of action figures for the summer?”

The answer is yes, yesterday the perfect job called and hired me.

I’d love to tell you it was purely because I exercised faith, or that my resume’ is so magnificent I can get a job anywhere, or something in the middle but frankly I don’t know. All I know is that when the time came I did what I felt was right. It was terrifying, it was a nightmare to sit and wait to be judged, but I pulled through, and now I start Friday. I had my loved ones behind me, telling me everything would be alright and occasionally that I was behaving like an idiot, like true loved ones are supposed to do, and occasionally I listened to them. I want to say that this is how all trials will turn out, but I know that’s not true. Heavenly Father has His own plan, and sometimes it’s what we want and sometimes it isn’t. But when it comes to trials I remember the immortal words of Peter Pan:

“All it takes is faith and trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.”

-JOE

Although I have not always been diligent in pursuing this advice, I know it positively impact my life when I do it. Reading the scriptures can bless our lives, but sharing the scriptures has even more power–for others and for ourselves.

The more I commit to making this a habit, the more likely I am to ponder the words and themes of the scriptures. As these scriptures linger in my thoughts, they combine with my daily concerns and open new insights into the problems and opportunities I face each day. It helps me to feel less alone in my duties, since I feel God’s presence more closely in my life.

And by sharing the scriptures, I open myself up to feeling God’s love. The scriptures of full of examples of the Saviour’s unconditional love to all people. In sharing this messages, in small, simple ways, it’s as though I give Him an opportunity to reflect that love for others through me. It allows me to see others not as I would, with my imperfections and bias, but with His vision of who they are and will be.

Sometimes, when I don’t regularly follow this advice, sharing scriptures can seem forced and stilted. But the more I do it, the more natural it becomes. At first, I feel more inclined to share the scriptures with family or close friends, but the more regularly I do it, the easier and more organic is feels to discuss these ideas with others.

I was a Primary teacher one of the years that the children began learning the song “Scripture Power.” And although the song was written for a young singers, the audience is universal:

Because I want to be like the Savior, and I can,
I’m reading His instructions, I’m following His plan.
Because I want the power His word will give to me,
I’m changing how I live, I’m changing what I’ll be.

[Chorus]
Scripture power keeps me safe from sin.
Scripture power is the power to win.
Scripture power! Ev’ryday I need
The power that I get each time I read.

I’ll find the sword of truth in each scripture that I learn.
I’ll take the shield of faith from these pages that I turn.
I’ll wear each vital part of the armor of the Lord,
And fight my daily battles, and win a great reward.

[Chorus]
Scripture power keeps me safe from sin.
Scripture power is the power to win.
Scripture power! Ev’ryday I need
The power that I get each time I read.

It never really took the form of thinking I was a woman or a girl or even something between male and female. I guess I always thought I was a boy and would never grow into true manhood. That’s basically what the male who molested me over a period of six years told me. It’s an odd thing to realize that what a person who is abusing you says about you carries more weight than what others say. I think it has something to do with how an abuser chooses topics that no one else would probably even talk to you about, but you suspect that everyone is thinking what he’s saying. I wrote of this in my essay “Abiding” on the Voices of Hope website.

This journey to figure out my own masculinity runs through many threads in my life. One of the most interesting, to me, has to do with my hair. When I was little, I had light-colored, short hair. My mother took me to a barber often. As I grew older, it got darker.

My childhood happened mostly in the 1960′s and the length of my hair tended to follow the crowd. It wasn’t because I was prone to be a hippy. It’s just that as things progressed in my family and my mother had to take a job, the haircuts were much less frequent. Hand me a dollar and tell me to get a haircut after school and the dollar will have bought candy on the way home.

My mother complained a lot about men with long hair, but she eventually let me try to fit in, much to my stepfather’s dismay. The main reason I stopped going to church after being ordained  a deacon was that I already had a friend and occasional sex partner who was available on Sundays. Another reason was that my hair was long and the other deacons made fun of me for it, though I knew they all wished their families would let them grow it out.

By my sophomore year in high school, it was down to my shoulders and quite dark. I was also quite dark, thanks to the hot Arizona sun. One day, a Hispanic girl at school handed me a flyer announcing a protest march and said in a Mexican accent, “Don’t show this to any Gringos.”

I tried to say, “OK” with an accent.

My facial hair bloomed later. By the time I was a junior, I had left my homosexual encounters behind and went back to church. I had my hair cut in the style of the day, covering my ears and feathered. They let you bless and pass the sacrament that way, but you always knew that once you turned in your mission papers or went to BYU, you’d have to cut it down. I never did either.

What concerned me was that my facial hair didn’t make me look manly. I was baby-faced well into my senior year. This caused me great concern, because I had already bought into the idea that stubble was manly and I couldn’t raise any stubble to save my life.

I kept my reasonably conservative look for a few years well into my marriage. My first attempt at a beard happened when I was in the local choir to perform in Third Nephi, a musical play depicting the visit of the Savior to the Americas after his resurrection. I’m no really sure that Nephites had beards, but the men in the choir were asked to grow beards.

A crusty old gentleman from my ward told me, upon seeing my beard, that I should shave it off. He said, “It makes you look like a homosexual. All of those homosexuals downtown have beards.” I wondered how he knew that.

After the play, I shaved it off. My next attempt was when I went public about my same-sex attraction, about 1995. At that point, I faced a lot of comments from people I knew that made me start to question my masculinity even more. Now that they knew I was gay, it was open season on my masculinity. I struck back with facial hair.

I started with a goatee. Mind you, most of these decisions were based on my idea of what was attractive. I knew I was very much attracted to men with goatees. Something about them looked so masculine. The problem was, mine made me look like my image of Satan, or at least one of his followers. Somehow, it wasn’t the confidence-builder I had hoped it would be.

I speculated that a beard would make me feel more manly. It did, especially when I paired it with a red, plaid, flannel shirt. My wife had always wanted to marry a lumberjack named Stephen. She even wanted him to spell his name with a “ph” instead of a “v”. Stephen is my first name, but I definitely didn’t look the lumberjack type until I grew my beard. My new look, coupled with my experience as a Scoutmaster, and I was suddenly a mountain man named Stephen.

I was asked to be a substitute Seminary teacher. The ward had a new one that moved in, but in a few short weeks, he moved out again. I really enjoyed teaching Seminary. My Scouting experience had helped me figure out how to relate to youth in ways I never did when I was one of them. I was excited the moment I was asked if I wanted the calling permanently, but disappointed when I was told I would have to shave my beard off. They said it was Church Educational System policy that all male seminary teachers had to be clean shaven. It was a hard decision.

The decision was made for me when work took me to Ohio, where we lived for four years. While there, I was dubbed by a coworker as The Giant Mutant Prairie Dog From Hell. It had to do with my beard and standing up in my cubicle, combined with my penchant for getting downright hostile when I experience hypoglycemia.

When I returned to Oregon, I went down to a goatee again and then back to clean shaven. That was around the time I really settled into my masculinity and I figured I could choose to lose the beard. I could choose to keep it too. I just felt it was too much work to keep the grey streaks out of it, so off it went.

Now, I’m going to state right here that my hair saga and eventual acceptance of myself as a man didn’t cure my same-sex attraction, thank goodness. Along with accepting myself as a man, I also accepted myself as a man who is attracted to men. I’ll admit right now that I like the hairy ones, as long as they are also well-groomed. If you’re clean-shaven, don’t despair. I like you too. In fact, I just plain like men, myself included.

Man is so great that his greatness appears in his knowing himself to be miserable. A tree is not conscious of misery. It is true, that to know oneself to be miserable is really to be miserable; but there is still something great in a consciousness of misery. Thus all his miseries prove his greatness. They are the miseries of a noble lord; the miseries of a king that has been dethroned…

What can this incessant craving, and this impotence of attainment mean, unless there was once a happiness belonging to man, of which only the faintest traces remain, in that void which he attempts to fill with everything within his reach?

Should the king in exile pretend he is happy there? Should he not seek his own country? His miseries are his ally; they urge him on. And so let them grow, if need be. But do not forsake the secret of life; do not despise those kingly desires.

Pascal continues by pointing out that our discontent hints that we are destined and made for something much greater than we are. Though there are plenty of people with one arm or eye, for instance, who wish they had two, there are very few (if any) people with two arms or eyes who wish they had three. Our sense of what we lack points us to what we were meant to be.

Though what we are meant to be resides in the future, we can content ourselves with the fact that we are continuing to grow, reach, and strive. As the poet Robert Browning put it, “A man’s reach must exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?”

I thought conversation went really well and wanted to pass on the video here. If you’ve got about 30 minutes, take a look:

HuffPost Live: Mixed-Orientation Bliss?

It’s interesting to me that there is as much public interest in this topic as thre is, and I’m grateful for Josh and Lolly Weed for being willing to share their story on a national stage, which has helped to elevate the conversation by sharing the story of a happy, healthy marriage when the conversation has been dominated by marriages that haven’t worked and which have left a trail of heartbreak in their wake. The last few years I’ve learned—and am learning more and more all the time—just how many individuals are in so-called “mixed-orientation marriages” who are happy. But they typically blend in and don’t have the same motivations to speak out. So, it’s nice to have those who are willing—and we need more. There are some now over on the Voices of Hope website—with many more to come.

One thing I liked about the conversation today on the HuffPost Live Google Hangout was the fact that there was ample time to dig into the issues in a bit more depth (granted, to do the issue justice takes more than 30 minutes, but 30 minutes was a good start), and to have veteran writers and researchers who get the texture around this issue commentating on it. I think they did a great job putting this together.

As final few thoughts, I want to add a bit more about what I think is important for those who experience same-sex attraction and who want to explore what best makes for a healthy heterosexual marriage. Just today, I got a message from an earnest young man who asked,

“I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the concept of a gay man loving a girl. I’ve always tried fantasizing what its like to feel that way about a girl and can’t seem to find it feasible. So my question is, is the love that you feel for your wife something that had to teach yourself? is it something totally different then the romantic feelings you’ve had toward men? or is it simply a gift from God?”

It’s an honest question, and in the little time I had to respond I tried to offer a few brief, reflective thoughts that I’ll throw out here as well (with some slight revisions). As most people know (and as they had discovered and noted in the HuffPost convo), my wife and I wrote our story as a feature piece for LDS Living magazine last summer, and shortly thereafter wrote a few more conceptual thoughts in an essay titled “10 Essentials to a Thriving Marriage When One Partner Experiences Same-Gender Attraction.” Briefly touching on some of these many themes, I wrote:

“A question like that doesn’t lend itself to an easy answer and the best I could offer is ‘all of the above.’ I don’t know if you’ve already the LDS Living article, but I tried to articulate it there some because it’s the heart of what I feel God has tried to teach me through this journey. I had a spiritual experience that I shared in the article in which the Lord showed me in a very powerful way what eternal love feels like… it was amazing and beautiful but also profoundly different from most of what is portrayed as love here in mortality. Even heterosexual love as it’s most commonly portrayed is a shallow, ‘natural man’ experience with little real love in comparison.

“After that experience, it was something of a spiritual quest for the Lord to teach me to feel and become that kind of Love which, with or without romantic overlay, must have charity as it’s foundation and is ‘bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ’ (Moroni 7:48).

“So, yes, charity (and I’m not there yet, my wife will attest!—still learning) is a gift from God to anyone who has it—and it is those who are true followers of Christ who have it… and, yes, it’s something I to study and cultivate and learn over time… and, yes, it’s different than sexual or romantic feelings I’ve had for men in some ways, but sexual and romantic energy is pretty shallow and fleeting if not nurtured and sustained over time by emotional connection and intimacy, fidelity, trust, loyalty, etc. What I have with my wife is, I attest, so much better and richer.

“One thing that’s also important to understand is that real love, romantic feelings, sexual impulse, romantic desire, emotional attachment, infatuatory euphoria, etc, are each qualitatively different feelings. They often get lumped together but only to our detriment. You can love someone without feeling sexual desire, and someone can feel sexual desire without the slightest trace of real love.”

I then noted to this young man some books and resources I believe can be helpful—if not critical—to understanding and developing the kind of mature perspective on love that will serve as a solid foundation up which a satisfying marital relationship can be built. For those interested in digging deeper into some of this, I’ve included a slightly-expanded compilation of those resources.

First, there was a fantastic op-ed in New York Times a few months ago, “New Love: A Short Shelf Life,” that I think is a must-read for understanding the dynamics of long-term relationships. One thing that is also important to understand is that the kind of passionate love that is felt in the honeymoon stage of relationships is most often, by it’s very nature, not long lasting. And yet we’re fed a steady diet of it in popular media such that we think that’s how it’s “supposed” to be. And when the passionate sex scene ends and the music fades, we’re left with little truth and a lot of fantasy.

In addition to that article, the following are some must-read books on the subject of love and what makes for meaningful, lasting relationships—some of the very best books out there on the subject:

In M. Scott Peck’s book listed above, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth, I’m thinking particularly of Part 2, titled (appropriately) “Love,” which includes several chapters addressing what Peck calls “the myth of romantic love.” There are some great insights.

I ended my response to this young man with the following:

“If you think you want to open yourself up to the possibility of marriage at some point, I would highly recommend starting with some of these resources. True love isn’t something anyone ‘falls’ into, and even sexual attraction is an evolutionary impulse that dies out if not nurtured and sustained by genuine love and affection and some other dynamics that are critical to sustaining it in a marriage. [see Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.]

“Things with my wife have been wonderful, but I spent years just doing personal growth work after recommitting myself to the gospel with full heart. I think there were several things the Lord wanted to teach me about faith, idolatry, consecration, and true love, happiness, joy, and peace, before the blessing of marriage could have been what it is to me now. And, having learned those lessons, we’ve had a great marriage. I’m sooo in love with both my wife and my kids, but love I have and feel in my life has come with the heavy price of consecration and really learning what makes for true, Spirit-born joy and love—as opposed to thinking it’s something that just ‘happens’ as we ‘fall into it.’ These are really bad pop cultural myths and I work every day as a marriage and family therapist with the (heterosexual) wreckage left in the wake of couples who bought into those myths and now have to salvage their relationships out of that wreckage.”

I don’t think marriage is something to take lightly, and marriage when there are sexual identity conflicts have an added layer of potential concerns that need to be openly and honestly addressed. But it also doesn’t need to be as heavy as I worry it may have come across here. It just needs to be approached with high level of honesty and integrity, self-awareness, loyalty, personal vulnerability, and Spiritual and emotional maturity. With those things in place, I would suggest that chances are good the marriage will be much more successful, enriching, and joy-full than any same- or opposite-sex relationship with someone individuals are “naturally attracted to.”

Where I Fit In As One Of Father’s Gay Sons

It took me much longer than I anticipated to complete this five part series, five months to be exact. I was very busy, but the real real truth is that it was much harder to assemble my thoughts than I had supposed. It was an interesting process of self reflection for me as I tried to understand how I really feel about each of these five very important aspects of my life and belief system. I especially struggled with this final post. I tried to express my thoughts in a coherent way, and hope you’ll be patient and forgiving of my inadequate abilities to write what I feel.

First, I acknowledge that I am a son of an Eternal Father, that he loves and cares for me. I believe life has meaning, that we are not simply the result of eons of evolution from a lesser creature. I believe God created me in his likeness with the ability to learn, grow, and become more like him. Being a father myself, I have a small glimpse of the love and hope He holds for me.

Because God loves us, and desires to share his knowledge, wisdom and joy with us, He created a beautiful world where we have opportunity to exercise our eternal agency, as we seek to obtain his attributes and continue the eternal process of personal development that we were engaged in prior birth.

I believe that, like my Father, I am an eternal being, that I existed prior to earthly birth, and that I will continue to exist after my mortal body dies. I honestly don’t know much about my premortal state, or what living eternally actually entails. I’ve heard theories, and have been taught of generalities, but my belief that I am eternal is of necessity based on faith, something I once mocked.

Some have said that we may have had a choice in the challenges we would face in life, that we chose what we felt would give us the most opportunity for spiritual growth. I don’t know if I believe that, but it does make some sense that, because of the eternal nature of, and respect Father has for agency, we might have had some choice in the matter. It might bring comfort to some to feel that they chose to be gay because it would be an incredible challenge, the mastering of which, would imbue them with strength and attributes that they might not obtain any other way.

Whether or not in a premortal state, I chose to be gay doesn’t really matter to me, nor am I overly concerned whether I was genetically predisposed to be homosexual, or whether my gay nature is a product of my environment. It is interesting to ruminate about such ideas, but it isn’t necessarily productive for me. What is important for me is to determine what role I will allow homosexuality to play in my life now.

Regardless of the ’cause’ of my same gender attraction, it has been/is definitely a huge part of who I am today. It has been one of the most difficult challenges I have ever faced. It has taken me to the brink of suicide, humbled me, and shaped the way I view the world around me. I doubt that, regardless how ‘righteous’ I become, I will ever be free from its influence on me, and quite frankly, I don’t want certain aspects of it to ever leave me. I like the man I am becoming, and attribute much of the goodness I may possess to my life experiences as a gay boy/man. I have the opportunity to associate with and call friends some of the finest people I know, who like me, are learning what Father expects of us as his children who live with attractions to our own gender.

I believe that many of the characteristics I have acquired through my mortal gay existence will remain with me in the next life, but I do not believe that I will be eternally physically attracted to men, at least not in worldly, sensual ways. I believe my same-gender attraction is condition of mortality.

So where do I fit as one of Father’s gay sons? I am entitled to the same eternal blessings as any other child of God. I have the same potential, the same opportunities as anyone else. The purifying and enabling power of the atonement of the Savior is extended to me. The blessings afforded through membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints belong to me. It is not the church of the Book of Mormon, the Church of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Gordon B. Hinckley or Thomas Monson. It is not the church of married, heterosexual white males. It is the Church of Jesus Christ, and he said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” and “Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.”

The very fact that I feel opportune to write such a disclaimer shows a sorry state of the world. I’m not an American, I have never lived in the US and I do not plan to move there in the foreseeable future. As you may know, I am a resident and a national of a former communist country in Eastern Europe.

For as long as I remember I looked with awe at Americans. There has always been something special about them and their country. However, in the last couple of years, I gradually started to change my views. I still believe that many Americans are great, while their state of political affairs as well as of their government – not so much. I believe that many Americans are totally mislead and made turkeys by their own civil servants of various kinds, particularly politicians and their lackeys.

The Principle that Made America Great

My today’s post is about gay marriage. I vehemently oppose any kind of legislation that creates an opportunity for the government to authorize, solemnize or otherwise recognize marriages between individuals of the same gender.

The very fact that the issue has become one of the most prominent topics in the American public discourse fills me with great sorrow. It tells me that Americans have lost their way and that the memory of the principle that made America a great nation is pretty much lost. I’m not talking about the principle of heterosexual nuclear family, no matter how true it may be. The one that I have in mind is the principle of freedom, a freedom from government intrusion into private lives of her citizens and their own private business.

For more than a century, Americans used to be the people who did not rely on the government to fix their problems. They were vigorously self-reliant in everything. The frontier spirit so poignantly expressed in the story of Mormons and their settling of the Rocky Mountains is a paragon of what self-reliance and the refusal to rely on the government actually means.

Fox Protecting a Hen House

After all, what the government really is? It is nothing more and nothing less than a monopoly of a brute force. It is a loaded gun in the room that everyone is subconsciously mindful of but never completely aware of. It is a sign of capitulation of personal responsibility by throwing that responsibility onto one of the most unbecoming class of people that exist on the Earth. Politicians.

Let me tell you. I know how it looks like when you let the government get away with prescribing your own life by giving you “incentives” and “rights”. I lived in times when communism in my country was rampant. Governments don’t give rights. Rights are inherent to the nature of man. Rights are reportedly protected by the government. It is like putting a fox in charge of protecting a hen house.

Yes, I am vehemently against any kind of legislation that recognizes gay marriages. But I am also vehemently against any kind of legislation that authorizes government to perform or recognize heterosexual marriages as well.

Solemnized by the Barrel of a Gun

Marriage is none of the government’s business. It is the business of churches and other private organizations. If a church or any other formal or informal gathering of free people want to perform gay or straight marriages, so be it. I am totally in favor of that. I will respect those marriages as much as I respect the organization that performs them. But don’t have me accept a marriage – gay or straight – that has been solemnized by the barrel of a gun.

Ultimately there are only two ways of bringing about a change in the society. One is by bringing the change using brute force. The other is by the change of hearts of the people that constitute the society. Legislation of marriage is an attempt of change by a threat of violence. No matter how noble the reasoning, such an attempt is worthy of my every contempt.

Who Does and Does Not Deserve the Credit

I’m particularly troubled that a demonstrable, visible change of perception and emotion towards gay people to the better which is a result of countless anonymous efforts by many thousands of ordinary people has been hijacked by politicians and their lackeys as if it was a product of their stellar performance. It is political action that reportedly deserve the credit for the progress in the field. What a preposterous idea!

Change of attitudes towards homosexuals has nothing to do with politics. It has everything to do with individual gay people who stood up for themselves, gathered the courage to tell the world how they feel and live their lives as they see fit. It has everything to do with straight individuals whose hearts were softened under the influence of indescribable pain and long-suffering of their gay fellow sojourners. Politicians have only – as usual – taken advantage of the tide by putting themselves at the front of the crowd for the purpose of aggrandizing themselves into prominence and power.

I hope the day will come when Americans will come to their senses and be able see through what is going on. You are our only hope, my friends, because the situation where I live is even more desperate.

And because I’m human, I’m feeling pressures to be perfect.  I’m feeling pressures to be an unstoppable superhero.  Even in writing this vulnerable post I spoke of I saw how I was striving so hard to be someone I’m not.  Trying to be a better version of me to the point of putting so much energy into it that I’m wearing myself out.

I really wish I was better than I am.

Last night I prayed for and of a lot of things.  I started crying because I wanted impossible things in my life.  I wanted things that are mutually exclusive to the plan of salvation.  I felt shame in the desires of my heart.  I felt shame knowing that even in these contrary desires I can’t help but feel goodness and spirituality.  I can’t even call them evil because it doesn’t feel right to me and yet anything that is unable to coexist with our Heavenly Father must be.  This also troubles me.

I feel like Superman with a new kind of kryptonite.  He still can fly, is invulnerable, and yet he finds himself unsure of this piece of krypton.  This piece of his origin planet doesn’t bring him to his knees.  He feels drawn to and likes this kryptonite.  But it’s far removed from a place that no longer exists and makes Superman miss his origin planet, a planet he never knew.  This kryptonite takes away from the joy he could be experience on his home planet, earth.

I didn’t come away from the prayer with any answers.  I’m still just as clueless as how to fight out of my trial and resist the strange power of this unknown kryptonite.  But I came away from my prayer knowing the I am a son of my Heavenly Father who loves me.  In the dark time of my life He’s just told me, “Stay close to me.”  He loves me despite my weaknesses because I’m His son.  He would want me to enjoy my life even when in trial.

The big step for me to enjoy my life in the storm isn’t to have the acceptance of others, I have plenty of that.  It’s not just remembering how much my Heavenly Father loves me.  The step I’ve been struggling to take is accepting and loving myself despite my weaknesses simply because my Heavenly Father does.

So here I am seeing that, yeah, I got some stuff I don’t understand.  And right now, I don’t need to. That understanding will come in time.  I know that I’m doing everything I possibly can.  My Heavenly Father wouldn’t want me to get down on myself because I’m not meeting some expectations I’ve held myself to.  He would want me to accept me where I am as I am and just keep moving forward and staying close to him.

It’s then at that point that I stop worrying and start enjoying.  That’s when I start finding joy even in my endurance of whatever it is I’m facing.  Children exemplify this beautifully.  A child could come out from the wreckage of a tornado.  He’s sad because his home is in ruin.  The neighborhood he remembers is gone.  He may even be afraid of the future with it’s uncertainty.  Yet as he walks through the rubble there he sees a slightly dirty bike.  It’s still in good condition and survived the disaster like he did.  With a joyous laugh the child jumps on the bike and he finds joy despite his trial.

Too often I forget to seek after this joy like this little boy.  If I want to find joy despite my struggles, I need to take a break.  I need to let myself find joy in the company of family and good friends.  I need to draw, design, be creative, and do something spontaneous.  What I’m discovering about this new kind of kryptonite is that only has the power that I give to it.  It doesn’t need any more attention than what is necessary.

I know that we can find joy even in trial.  I know part of that is accepting ourselves as we are in whatever place we find ourselves in.  We don’t justify unrighteousness but we don’t shame ourselves either.  We love and accept ourselves as the savior does.  Thanks for reading everyone.  I know I talk a lot about trials but hey, nobody is perfect.

While there I had the occasion to watch my brother coach my oldest nephew in a soccer game, and I noticed something interesting.

My Bro would run up and down the field following the players, and shouting instructions from the sidelines. “Get the ball!”, “Turn it!”, “Take the ball from him!”, “Kick it hard!”. Sometimes the kids would follow the instructions. Sometimes they wouldn’t. Regardless, my brother would – as we say in the theater – stay in the moment. He wouldn’t berate the kids if they didn’t follow his instructions. He’d simply reassess the situation and give appropriate instructions for whatever was happening at that moment. He’d constantly gave praise for whatever the kids were doing and encourage them at every turn. (My brother is a pretty incredible father and coach, incidentally.)

As I was thinking about this my brain said, “This is similar to something else…what is it?” Took me a minute, but I realized that’s a lot like what my GPS does for me. It plots a course for me to follow. If I follow it, it continues to instruct me in that course. If I choose to take a different road for whatever reason, it doesn’t – in that infuriatingly calm British voice – belittle me or get angry, it simply recalculates the route and we’re off.

Somehow I think God is much more like this than we lead ourselves to believe. God does not berate us. He doesn’t get angry when we fail to perform with exactness – that is, I think, as long and we’re trying. And that’s not to say he doesn’t hope or even expect that we will perform with exactness, just that he understands when we don’t. An when we don’t reach perfection in our daily lives, He gives us a new course to follow to our destination and provides constant encouragement to do so.

God loves us and is infinitely patient with us as we try to figure out this thing called life. We’ll make mistakes. We’ll fail to follow God’s commandments – sometimes on purpose, sometimes not – but God is always there to guide us home from wherever we are.

I think it is our job, then, not to berate, belittle, and shame ourselves into submission. We just need to take a step back, take a breath, and start again from where we’re at.

And I’ll bet God has some pretty killer end-of-game treats waiting for us when we’re done. Better than a Squeezit even.

But what about prophets in our day? Why aren’t people shooting arrows at them or threatening to toss them in prison or trying to run them out of town? Are our prophets too polite and politically correct to raise the ire of the masses? Or are we such a righteous people that the prophets never have to tell us to repent, thus avoiding our anger?

And then General Conference comes along. And both the prophets’ words, and our reactions to those words, answer my questions.

I can remember, as a younger man, perceiving that priesthood session of conference was just an opportunity for Church authorities tell priesthood holders all the things that we were doing wrong and how we needed to repent or else. But now when I attend priesthood session, I don’t hear that message. Did the message stop, or has my perception changed?

In the days following General Conference last week, through social media channels I caught snippets of concern/ire shared by those who took offense to one conference speaker or another. As I read some of these critiques, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Did we hear the same talk?” These writers seemed to interpret messages from conference that differed from those I received. Perhaps that’s the wonder of the gospel and the power of the Holy Ghost: we don’t just hear what is said; we hear what we need.

Or maybe, in the case of some of us, we only hear what we want.

That’s when I realized that prophets today are received by the public the same way prophets were received in ancient times. Our societal laws may prevent us from silencing prophets with stones or arrows, but when we find a prophet’s words to be harsh to our souls (1 Nephi 16:2), do we try to silence the prophet with scathing reviews and demands for apologies?

I do not wish to suggest that those who do not take offense from the prophets and do not criticize their words are somehow free of sins. Instead, I suggest that as we develop faith and trust in our Heavenly Father, in Jesus Christ, and in their chosen representatives, the less likely we are to respond in prideful anger when the prophet. Instead, the Spirit testifies of the truth of the prophet’s words, and we (hopefully, humbly) recognize ways in which we can better align our will and our efforts with the Lord’s.

In that spirit, I think we are less likely to interpret the prophet’s words as an attack, and more likely to recognize them as “reproving betimes with sharpness” but also full of love and concern for the well-being of those that the speaker strives to serve on behalf of our Heavenly Father (D&C 121:43).

As I go back and more carefully re-read the talks from General Conference, without the noisy interruptions of my boys, I am prepared that may be tempted to take offense to their words. I hope that I can read those talks in a spirit of contrition and courage so that, rather than respond like many of the residents of Ammonihah who reviled the prophet Alma, I can respond like Amulek who supported the Lord’s servant.

Simple and plain truths may be hard to hear, but they are a beacon when faced with the uncertain and wavering values of society. I pray that we all can find a way to share those simple truths in ways that help others to accept them in a spirit of hope.

This post is cross-posted from Laura’s personal blog.

This talk was given in Sacrament meeting on Sunday March 17th, 2013, to celebrate the birthday of the Relief Society. These are my words to the best of my recollection with some intentional changes to make my sentiments clearer.

I was asked to speak today on how the Relief Society has blessed my life personally. As some of you know, my life has been pretty interesting this past year. In January, many of you were here when I came out publicly that I identify as homosexual and today I want to share with you specifically how the Relief Society sisters have blessed my life through the difficult process of coming out.

For many, this is still a topic that can be uncomfortable to talk about. If you are one of those people, I want you to know that you are not alone—I am one of those people too—but as I continue to get the spiritual nudgings to be more and more open about this part of my life, there are some things that have been helpful for me to keep in mind:

The first, is that being attracted to a person of the same gender is not a sin.

The second, is that our Church leaders have been talking about this a lot lately—in our last general conference, two of our leaders spoke about it with love and compassion, and recently the church even put out a website called mormonsandgays.org to open up more meaningful conversation.

And third, on this website mormonsandgays.org, church leaders have stressed that while our doctrine is not changing, what is changing and what needs to change is how we as a community reach out with love to those who experience same-gender-attraction—which is Mormon speak for gay.

And so today I want to share with you how the Relief Society has blessed my life since I decided to come out.

To set the stage, I’ll first give you some background. Almost two years ago when I started graduate school, I made the decision to come out to my classmates (some of whom are here today). For the next year with this caring group of 24 budding Marriage and Family Therapists, I got some great practice and nurturing in being more open about this part of my life and getting more comfortable in my own skin. And so after a year of doing this, I came to the decision to be completely out.

Some of you might be people who get inspiration early in the morning and that is often the case for me. Early one morning last May, I woke up with the thought to come out in Fast and Testimony meeting in both the congregation that I grew up in, and also here in this ward. As I began to fully awaken, my awake self thought this was the most terrifying, insane, and awful idea thinkable—I could not imagine myself ever actually doing it and I put it in the back of my mind.

A few weeks later, I went back home to visit and attended the ward I grew up in. There, I saw my best-friend-growing-up’s mom and felt like I should come out to her, so—nervously I did. I just sort of blurted it out and we began to have a conversation as we walked around the outside of the church. It was really emotional, and at one point she said to me, “You know, if you had ever told us, we would have loved you and stood by you no matter what.”

I had never thought to tell her. Back then I didn’t want to tell anyone, but when she said those words in that moment I knew that what she was saying was true. And so the next week when I was home again visiting and she was the first to get up and bare her testimony, my heart began to pound and I knew that it was time. I prayed for the words and got up and did it. I came out and bore my testimony. When I came down from the stand, she was the first one sitting right there off to the side, and she clasped my hand, and let me know again she was proud of me and loved me. I will always be grateful for the love she gave me, which exemplified the Relief Society motto: “Charity never faileth.”

After testimony meeting, my husband, John and I both felt like a couple of deer in the headlights. It was really overwhelming for us to now be out in church! We left the building for the entire second hour to try and process through everything together. During our conversation, John even suggested we could leave for the rest of the day because we both felt so nervous going back, but I told him no. I needed to go back; otherwise I would never know more of how people would react.

We went back inside the church and by then Relief Society had already started. It was strange how a place that had always felt so warm and friendly, now felt absolutely terrifying. I went in, sat down in an empty row by myself, and tried to pretend like I was fine.

A few moments later, another sister who was arriving late came in on the other side of the room. She glanced around for a seat and then went back out the door. She then came in through the door on my side of the room and sat down next to me, so I was no longer alone. When the meeting ended, she seemed to feel awkward—I felt awkward—we were awkward together, but she sat and talked with me, asked me all about how my family was doing and told me repeatedly how good it was to see me. How grateful I am for this Relief Society sister, who at a time when I was feeling so vulnerable and so extremely out of my comfort zone, stepped out of her own comfort zone to be with me so I wasn’t alone.

After that, over the summer, I sat down with many wonderful people as I thought about how I would continue my journey and possibly write something about my story. One Relief Society sister in particular sat with me for hours and hours as I unpacked with her what it was like to grow up Mormon and gay, the decisions I made, the spiritual experiences I had, finally falling in love with my husband, and what its been like since. When I finally came out in this ward in January, it was this same sister who quickly came and found me in the hallway, hugged me and told me how courageous I was, and reassured the scared part of me that just wanted to be away somewhere in the fetal position. Later that night, this sister called just to check in on how I was doing and listened again for an hour as I expressed my feelings and lingering worries. How grateful I am for this sister’s true friendship and continued watchcare over me.

Had I more time, I would tell you about my visiting teachers and how they have sat with me and listened as I have finally broken down and sobbed about some of the negative reactions I’ve had. And I would also tell you about my Relief Society President who on a particularly dark day with all this, bore her testimony (along with others) just for me at my request. She also invited me and my family to dinner that night and then sat and listened to me as I talked about some of the heartache I was experiencing. And I would tell you about the many sisters who have reached out to me—sisters who know me well and sisters who don’t know me at all—who’ve sent an email or a text message of support, who’ve given a spiritual lesson just when I needed it, and who’ve all expressed their appreciation to me for coming out and baring my testimony.

As we go through the most difficult and most vulnerable times in our lives—and those things come to be known– and people show up for us with genuine compassion and care, it fills you with a sense of indebtedness and overwhelming gratitude. It brings needed relief and it brings a sense of safety that makes those people and those places the ones you never want to leave. And that is how I feel about my classmates and that is how I feel about the Relief Society — which is the opposite of how I always thought it would be if I ever came out. I always thought that everyone would distance themselves from me and I would end up alone. But that has not come true and I will be forever grateful for those who have been with me and cared for me. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

Some After Thoughts…

I was the last speaker that day. At the close of my talk, I left the stand to sit with my MFT classmates who filled the entire front row. My dear friends on each side of me clasped my hands through the closing song and prayer as I took deep breaths. When the meeting was finally over, my 7 classmates, my exceptional husband, and a dozen-plus members of my ward, congregated by the stand and waited to hug me one-by-one, and thank me for my words.

That surreal image and feeling of overwhelming support is one that will forever be etched in my heart and memory as perhaps the most beautiful and healing moment I have ever experienced within community. As the days go by, I find myself with the persistent yearning and prayer that all of my fellow LGB/Same-gender-attracted/homosexual (whichever one chooses to call it) Mormons—could somehow also feel this magnitude of love within the community of the church we all share. It has caused me to reflect more deeply again on how all of these things came to be.

If I could convey only one thing about coming out to both those who experience same-gender-attraction and to my fellow Saints who are tasked with how to respond, it would be to seek to understand the difference between what it means to confess, in contrast with what it means to confide.

A confession is what we do when we commit a serious sin. Confessions in the church are made to appointed leaders who hold certain priesthood keys and may also be made to someone we have harmed. They are made with the intention to repent, to get counsel, to make amends and to move forward clean and whole. Confession of serious sin is an important step to assist one in moving on and letting go of guilt.

To confide, on the other hand, is something different. Healthy confiding happens when someone has earned our trust by how well they treat us, usually gradually over time. It occurs independent of position or authority that a person may or may not hold. Individuals gain our trust not only by how well they treat us but also by how well they treat others. We confide things that are personal, or sensitive; things we want handled with care. We confide to be understood and to gain support and comfort through the challenges and transitions of our lives.

When a person comes out, it is an act of confiding, not confessing. I believe that If we truly cling to the inspired teaching of our church leaders that being attracted to persons of the same gender is not a sin, coming out will more accurately and consistently be understood as a journey of confiding that is likewise responded to with the sensitivity and love each individual craves and needs.

To other Mormons coming out or considering coming out, my sincere and simple hope is that you listen to the part of you that is spiritual to assist you to find the people in your life in whom you can truly confide and to help you find the words and the strength to do it. As time goes on, I look forward to meeting many more of you as you journey your way out in your own unique way. Please know that I continue to pray for your safe passage.

3 Nephi 18:18

In the General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the general authorities of the Church and other officers speak to us about matters of spirituality and morality. These days, when someone takes a stand about morality, it is a risky proposition in terms of a backlash from those who don’t agree about what is moral.

One general authority of the Church probably takes more public relations heat than any other when it comes to moral teachings related to homosexuality. President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, is well-known and not always respected for taking a stand on the subject. This last conference was no exception.

His talk, “These Things I Know,” delivered on Saturday, April 6, 2013, was a tribute to his special witness of the reality of the Savior and his recognition of his increasing age. His poem was classic, but not quite as classic as his hardline approach to right and wrong.

The part of his talk that took the heat was:

Tolerance is a virtue, but like all virtues, when exaggerated, it transforms itself into a vice. We need to be careful of the “tolerance trap” so that we are not swallowed up in it. The permissiveness afforded by the weakening of the laws of the land to tolerate legalized acts of immorality does not reduce the serious spiritual consequence that is the result of the violation of God’s law of chastity.

No doubt, the objection that many people have is to the veiled reference to same-sex marriage contained in this phrase, “legalized acts of immorality.” For me, I’ve never been interested in the debate of same-sex marriage. I haven’t really seen why, on the one hand, people want it, and on the other hand, why they don’t.

As a believing member of the Church and as one who accepts the First Presidency and the apostles and prophets, seers, and revelators, I am willing to believe that they know, for now, the stand the Church should take. I just don’t really know why it is so important, so I fall in line and follow.

Yet, if you take the political question out of his statements, I see the principles he expounded as very important. You often hear the missive, “You can’t legislate morality.” People think of that in terms of, “A law can’t make people behave morally.”

I see another side of that statement. “You can’t make something moral by making it legal.” I think that it is quite true that a virtue, like tolerance, can be given too much weight so that it is no longer a virtue but an excuse for immorality.

Our task, as followers of Christ, is to show love and concern to everyone who falls short of the standard set by Christ, in other words, all of us. I think it is a mistake, however, to say that because we have compassion for someone who sins that we have condoned the sin. To follow Christ, we must have the same attitude as he does, as closely as we are mortally able.

He said, “For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance (D&C 1:31)…”

That does not sound to me like he tolerates sin. I know from my own personal experience with him that he does look upon repentance with an infinite degree of allowance. He also said, “”Nevertheless, he that repents and does the commandments of the Lord shall be forgiven (D&C 1:32)…”

President Packer also talked about the spiritual consequences of sin and that making something legal cannot mitigate those consequences. As the world has come to accept more and more violations of the Lord’s law of chastity and has considered them to be inconsequential, I believe the world itself is suffering spiritually as a whole.

He warned the Nephites, as he also warned his disciple, Peter, and many other sin modern revelation, that Satan desires to have us and “sift us as wheat (3 Nephi 18:18).” When we sift flour in a sieve, the parts that don’t go through the mesh are thrown away. Being cast off is a consequence I don’t want to earn, so I pray always that I enter not into temptation.

I desire not to end on such a dire note. As one who craves the tolerance of others, I want to show love to everyone.  I want to tolerate saint and sinner alike. Though I side with the Lord’s servants in questions of morality, I tend to think we need more tolerance than condemnation in this world. Though we need to be careful that we tolerate people without condoning sin, I hope that tolerance and love are still the main virtues I strive to live.

I found the transcript of a devotional (not an official transcript, I should add) that Elder Maxwell delivered at the U of U Institute in 1983 titled “The Education of our Desires.” There are some excellent thoughts in there, and I recommend reading it.

Here are some of the highlights I found pertinent to the exercise of overcoming (and yes, I’m just going to use that word) our desires to be in same-sex relationships. And no, overcoming does NOT mean we’ll never be tempted—even Christ was tempted in all things, yet he overcame the world.

Anyway, I thought this was excellent:
“Desires are a profound part of our personality. They lie at the very root of our being. And therefore our deeds and our actions really become an extension of those desires.”

Are our homosexual desires a profound part of our personality? They very well can be, if we allow them to do so. Some of this may have happened unconsciously. But we are promised our agency, that we have the power to act, not simply be acted upon. We might feel as if homosexual desires lie at the very root of our being. And, as Elder Maxwell says, our actions tend to be “an extension of those desires.” So by believing homosexual desires are the root of our being makes it that much more difficult to overcome lustful thoughts and actions.

What if we were to decide that the Light of Christ, becoming and being like Him, our divine nature, that those are things are truly at the root of our being. Rather than desiring homosexual relationships, we begin to desire righteousness more.

Elder Maxwell also states:
“It is the continuing education of our desires and the alignment of those desires with the desires of our Heavenly Father that becomes the great challenge of education for us.”

Homosexual desires do not align with the desires of our Heavenly Father. However, as we continue to educate our righteous desires, they become aligned with Heavenly Father, rather than aligned with the worldly definition of “gay”. We desire what God desires for us, rather than what we desire (like homosexual relationships).

Elder Maxwell talks about several ways in which we can educate our righteous desires.
“And the education of your desires includes developing a sense of history so that you will see nonsense for what it is….“wickedness never was happiness”. (Alma 41:10.)

It is important for us to educate ourselves in the role that adversity plays in our lives, like experiencing same-sex attractions. It is part of God’s plan, not that we live according to those desires, but that we overcome them through righteous desires.

You “must also be desirous of being further instructed in the ways of the Lord and in the grammar of the gospel. You must seek to comprehend not only the structure of the plan of salvation but also its substance including the schooling that must come to each of us concerning the wintry doctrines of the gospel, such as those about the role of adversity.”

He also talks about how important it is for us to trust God, as part of educating our desires. In that way, we will be more willing to do what He asks.

“If we have that kind of deepened trust and the desire to be instructed, then we will have the patience so that we can outlast life’s seemingly imponderables and the seeming contradictions.”

A willingness to submit to God is key in overcoming the natural man so that we can desire “to do good continually.” (Mosiah 5:2.) Elder Maxwell states:
“In perhaps the most significant dimension of desire, we must be willing to submit to our Father in Heaven even in those moments when he desires us to be righteously independent…to be his friend in all circumstances, even in the midst of gloom.”

I can remember so many times when I was in the midst of the struggle with SSA that I couldn’t feel the spirit and I felt so much love from inappropriate relationships. That was when I’d start telling myself that maybe God was fine with it. I wanted God to submit to my will, not vice versa. In fact, Elder Maxwell addresses that when he says:

“I see no way for us to educate our desires except for us to first understand God’s desires for us and then to proceed in that lifelong educational process to align our desires with his. It can never be the other way around.”

So many people try to have it the other way around. That’s not what I’m about anymore. That’s not what North Star is about, and I’m grateful for that.

I believe homosexual desires are sinful desires, which can become righteous desires to do the Lord’s will only. Actually, I know that to be true because the prophets and scriptures tell me so.

And I make no apologies for believing them.

Kobe, Japan earthquake wreckage

If you have half a brain and know how to turn on a computer, you’ve no doubt seen any number of variations on the red equals-sign, meant to signify solidarity with marriage equality in the face of the United States Supreme Court hearing cases regarding the Defense of Marriage Act and Proposition 8.  At its peak, the red HRC theme spread around Facebook like a similarly-colored rash; I remember once logging in and seeing that fully a third of my online friends had changed their profile pictures to some variation on the red HRC logo.

This one’s my favorite. I won’t say anything in support of or against marriage equality, but I do appreciate the meme irony!

Along with this change in the hegemony of things came the inevitable blowback, not merely in the electronic world, but in the physical one. In my own foolish pride, I had a decidedly raged altercation with a friend over the issue; hateful words were issued by both him and I and potentially irreparable damage was done to our friendship. The interchange left me feeling emotionally crippled; I spent the next day thinking about it and alternating between hurt tears and toxic rage.

It was in one of those moments of emotion that I recalled a scripture my good Institute teacher shared weeks and weeks ago.  He’d shared it in reference to the different factions that our church may someday be susceptible to divide into. However, since I view everything through the dark sunglasses of homosexuality, I applied it to the arguments I sometimes find myself starting, escalating and/or finishing, arguments where I defend or attack one position or another, arguments I frankly am always ashamed of the morning after.

The verses are found in Ephesians, chapter 4. Paul the Apostle was speaking to the people of Ephesus who had divided themselves according to the men who taught them the Gospel, claiming the gospel of one missionary or another, rather than the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  To quell these arguments and factions, Paul said these words, from verses 29-32:

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

The implications were obvious to me and I felt their sting as I remembered those arguments I involved myself in. I knew my communication was corrupt and did not edify. I saw my own bitterness rear up in the days following the arguments and evil speaking took its place when I tried recruiting others against those I argued with.

I also recalled a few experiences from my past where even people who seemingly agreed found ways to argue. Several weeks ago, I attended a discussion in a support group for LDS people with same-gender attraction regarding what words people preferred. There were many choices posited: gay, same-gender/sex attracted, asexual, homosexual, homoromantic etc. Each person had their own opinions and was not afraid to pull punches, to the point that even the high councilman in attendance had a hard time restoring order.

We all have our own factions. I know I do.  I have a very defined worldview that is sometimes too insulated from change and consideration.  Our own Jan Swoboda put it very well a few weeks ago when he shared his dream of a world free from suicide and intense divisiveness.  His is an idealistic view wherein people put aside their own points of view and set unity at a higher plane than being right.  It may not entirely be possible, but at least we can come closer than we are right now.

There is always something to be said for standing for truth and righteousness in whatever form it takes, be it Christlike righteous indignation or Christlike love unfeigned and too often those are set against each other, but if Jan or anyone else who speaks out for kind words is to be believed, then by finding a happy marriage between the two could start saving lives and bringing joy to those damaged by bitterness.

I wish I had a solution.  How does one stay true to both the call for love and the call for integrity?

Grumpy Cat image; Kobe wreckage image

~ Elder H.
Current full-time missionary

“You make a living by what you get. You make a life by what you give.”
~ Winston Churchill

North Star family and friends,

As you are likely aware, on March 27th we launched the Voices of Hope website, LDSVoicesofHope.org. On June 15th, 2012, the vision for the project was born, and after many months of blood, sweat, tears and prayers—and literally thousands of combined volunteer hours in addition to the $50K of initial investment dollars—the site went live with 17 video and 7 written essays.

Even with the impressive volume of volunteer energy from a still-growing production team, the project requires significant funds to produce. And with another 20+ video interviews currently under production, a huge list of people who have signed up to share their stories in the coming months, and an end-goal of 1,000 men and women sharing their personal journeys of faith and hope, there is urgent need to create a sustainable stream of volunteer donations to keep the project moving forward—and even to accelerate, extend and improve it (at our originally projected pace of adding one video/essay testimonial a week, we’d reach our goal sometime in 2032!)

Thus, we need your help—so we’re asking for it.

To do a project like this right takes real and serious money. Even still, we’ve been able to maximize the benefit of expended funds with a ton of donated labor, materials, locations, and so on. What this means to potential and existing donors is that there is already a lot of “matching” going on with the dollars we do get. Many of our vendors have provided discounted pricing, many producers/editors have donated huge amounts of time, and those of us leading the project are solely volunteer. One way to look at it is that usually in charities you try to get so that your donation gets as close to 100% of actually going to whatever your cause is. The best charities have something like 90%. We start off with 100% because North Star isn’t taking anything from the donations for any of its administration—and when if you add on to that all the donated time and labor, you’re getting $2-$3, or more, in value for every dollar you donate.

To date, with the help of a handful of smaller community donations, the bulk of the project has been funded via an initial “seed money” grant from the private funds of the project’s director, Kerry Harding. In order to continue the project, however, we need to rely predominantly on you—the men and women, moms and dads, brothers and sisters and friends and concerned ecclesiastical leaders within our community.

If you have benefited in any way either from the Voices of Hope Project or from North Star, we ask you to please consider a generous one-time or even preferably monthly donation help keep the project going. Ultimately, we need a consistent monthly stream of $5,000 to cover our costs. With an automatically-recurring monthly donation of $50 from 100 people, $25 from 200 people, $10 from 500 people, or any of other similar combinations, we could reach our urgent goal very quickly.

Whether you can afford a monthly donation of $5 or $500, or a one-time donation of $10 or $1,000, we need your help right now. If you are one of the many men and women for whom the community of North Star has blessed or even saved your life, this is a chance to give back in a very tangible way to something that has the potential to bless millions of lives in the years to come.

Consider the following story from a 44-year-old single woman who recently shared with us her reaction to stumbling upon the website:

“I have been living with same-sex attraction on my own and very privately for decades. I decided long ago that I wanted to live a Christ-centered life and remain fully active in the church. This meant choosing the spiritual over the physical,and I was, and still am, happy with that choice. But the journey has been long, at times painful, and solo… Until two weeks ago, I thought I would take this particular trial to my grave. And then I saw someone posted a link to the Voices of Hope website. And that’s when everything—and I mean everything—changed for me.

“Hope, strength, courage, love, comfort, and peace. The testimonies of my fellow brothers and sisters on this website helped me to feel all of these things, which tells me it is good, and from God. These voices of hope have also provided for me a sense of community, which is what I have been missing for so long. And because of how much this has helped and changed me, I know it is now my turn to do this for others. I have begun opening up to friends, and soon I will to my family. Although I still feel somewhat fearful and a little unsure of myself, I know it is the right thing, and I know the Lord will lead the way. He is aware of us, He loves us, and He is with us.

“I am a daughter of God. And I am not alone.”

Again, we ask your help to bless lives through this project. Whatever you’re able to currently give, please go to the Voices of Hope website’s “Support a Voice” tab and help expand this important work.

Much love and gratitude,

Ty Mansfield
Vice President of Online Outreach and Communications, North Star
Compiler/Editor, Voices of Hope—Latter-day Saint Perspectives on Same-Gender Attraction

Kerry Harding
Vice President of Fundraising, North Star
Director, Voices of Hope Project

The LDS Church

This post was the most difficult of the series to write. At the time I originally wrote the post, I harbored some strong feeling toward the LDS Church that I have since resolved.

Where do I begin? I grew up in the Church and once loved it. Later in life, I came to hate the Church and wanted nothing to do with it. Now, my relationship with the Church has greatly healed, but honestly I still struggle with a few things about the culture of the Church. I think, to explain my feelings about the Church, I’ll have to divide my thoughts into two parts, the Culture, and the Organization.

Culture:
I was born into an active LDS family in the 60′s. The Church’s involvement in our lives was much, much different then than it is now. Back then, it was our life. When I was a kid, Primary was on Tuesdays. We would walk the 4 or 5 blocks from elementary school to the church. We were always starving, and would often sneak into the sacrament preparation closet in the chapel and eat slices of bread the janitor had purchased for Sunday services. Mutual was Tuesday nights. Relief Society was Wednesday during the day for stay at home moms and Wednesday night for working moms. Sunday morning started with Priesthood Meeting at 8:00 am, followed by Jr. and Sr. Sunday School, where the sacrament was passed. Sacrament Meeting was in the late afternoons from 4 to 6.

We held bazaars to raise money for the ward budget, had ward parties regularly, church wide basketball tournaments with the finals played in SLC, dance festivals, carnivals, traveling road shows, ward farms, etc. in addition to the activities we still do such as scouting, father & sons outings, etc. The Church owned and operated hotels, stores, hospitals, schools, and provided the social backbone of many communities. Part of this was left over from the early pioneer days when the Church, of necessity, provided services for the members sent out to establish new settlements across the west. The Church took care of its own, and set a pattern for the future.

The Church also proudly taught of the strength, determination, and persecution of our ancestors. To the early saints, the Church, of necessity at times, and by choice other times, became somewhat of a closed, self-sufficient society. The persecution the saints endured was often unwarranted. Sometimes, however, I can see how the neighbors of early saints could become disaffected with and sometimes fearful of some over zealous members who claimed to have the one and only true church and possessed a “holier than thou” attitude. Imagine if a large group of an upstart religion that had extreme beliefs moved into your neighborhood. I am not being an apologist for the persecutors of the saints, but I can see how things might have begun and then spiraled out of control.

The resulting persecution/superiority mentality still thrives with many in the Church today. It manifests itself in current Church culture today in some subtle and not so subtle ways. I remember feeling superior to ‘non members’ because I possessed the truth, and due to my pre-mortal worthiness, I was preserved to be born in these latter days to help prepare the world for the second coming of the Savior. When these ideas are pounded into to you throughout your formative years, is it any wonder that some members become intolerant and unaccepting of others who differ in belief or action?

For those who fit the mold of an “ideal Mormon,” the culture of the Church can feel like a warm blanket, comfortable and soothing. For those who don’t fit the mold, that same blanket can become suffocating, itchy and uncomfortable.

Parts of the Church culture I embrace and appreciate. Other parts feel a bit suffocating and itchy to me.

Organization:
The Church is an amazing organization. Not matter how one feels about the Church, there is no denying that it is an incredibly well oiled machine. It amazes me that you can travel around the world and hear the same Sunday School lesson being taught in Salt Lake. While the organization has its flaws, it is incredibly efficient for its size and for the various cultures it serves. More important for me, however, is not the managerial side of the organization, but the spiritual side of the organization.

I don’t think you will ever hear me say, “I know the Church is true.” To me, the Church is an organization, much like the Salvation Army, the Boy Scouts, or the local PTA. They are all organizations with worthy missions to fill, but who would say the Booster Club is true? I think when most people say, “I know the Church is true,” they really mean the gospel and restored truth.

I prefer to say the Gospel is true. That I do believe. To me, the Church is the mechanism I choose to use to help me more fully learn about and worship my Eternal Father and His Son. It is designed to help me implement the Gospel in my life and provides me many opportunities to serve God and my fellow man. Do I believe it is divinely inspired? Absolutely. Do I believe it is perfect? No, at least not as it carried out by humans like me. As I understand it, it won’t even exist in the afterlife. It is an earthly entity structured to spread the gospel, with its saving ordinances, throughout the world.

While it may be Christ’s Church, it is maintained by earthly men with faults, weaknesses, and predilections of their own. It is slow to adopt change, even when I believe Christ would have it otherwise. By saying that, I don’t pretend to be superior to the leaders of the Church. I believe that God honors agency so much that He allows Church leaders to struggle with difficult decisions, make mistakes, and grow and change as they become more enlightened by seeking His will.

Some discredit the Church saying that its doctrine has changed over time. Others defend it, denying that doctrine has changed. Doctrine has changed. I have seen it in my lifetime. The temple ceremony has changed a couple of times since I began attending nearly 30 years ago. What haven’t changed are the principles of the Gospel. They are simple, true and everlasting.

In summary, I love the Church, and yet sometimes struggle with its culture. I love the truths of the Gospel as taught by the Church. I love the opportunity it gives me to grow and draw nearer to my Savior through service and by instruction from inspired leaders. What I don’t like are parts of the culture that some use to justify intolerance and perpetuate feelings of superiority in its members. I hope the negative aspects of the culture will change with time. I see it beginning to happen slowly – too slowly in my opinion.

I choose to stay within the Church because I believe it is Christ’s church, and provides me opportunities to fully implement the gospel in my life. I pray the Church will become the warm, welcoming blanket to ALL of God’s children who earnestly seek to follow Him.

Years ago when I was in my struggling state, wrestling with the thought of being Gay, I knelt and said a prayer and asked God, “Why me?”  I had prayed this thought many times.  I had learned in my schooling to avoid asking the word WHY.  The reason we were to avoid that word, was that it creates self-judgment and shame (see my previous blog posting) implying that the one being asked was somehow broken, yet here I was asking that question to God.  I, in my arrogant, self-deceptive, pride was questioning God’s judgment.  Heaven forbid! I was judging God.  Then, this tiny little thought snuck in, “Why Not!”  When I had that thought, I realized God loved me, this was something I had long forgotten.   This lead me to wonder, if God loved me what were His reason’s, purposes, and/or intentions for making me this way?  I have since come to my own conclusions for myself regarding this.  I urge you, the reader, to seek out your own answer to this question through prayer and scripture study.  The tables have turned once again.  WHY has again entered my thoughts and has brought me some insight that I want to share with you.  For me the word WHY has not brought shame.  Yet, I CAUTION you, if you have not yet come to peace with God regarding the answer to the highlighted question above, then I invite you to stop and not read any further.

If you are reading this, it means either you have taken my warning seriously and have reached a sense of peace, or you like living on the edge and want to know where I am going with this, or you might want to pick apart what I am about to say and tell me how dangerously evil and wrong I am, and that I ought to  be ashamed for even using that three letter swear word called WHY that plagues the mother of every two year old that has ever lived.   Well, I welcome you brave souls who have ventured this far.  I hope this lead in is not too melodramatic.  People have called me flamboyant before, and like the old cliché, “If you got it flaunt it!”  Ok, just a bit prideful…I’ll tone it down now.

So, bear with me.  My thoughts need a bit of an explanation to be sure they are clear.  Awhile back, I was sitting in priesthood meeting, and someone was a concept that was familiar and yet seemed to ring true to a greater depth with me.  In the book King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette introduce us into the world of the Masculine Psyche.  Also, in my studies of Shadow Work, which I touched on in a previous post and my studies of Non-Violent Communication, of which I have shared in the past, I have come to recognize the concept taught in priesthood was a pattern or in the words of Elder Maxwell a thread of truth interwoven through the tapestry of life.  This pattern has since brought me comfort and foreboding, and thus the previous warning.  The concept taught in priesthood was:

WHY (there’s that ugly word again) DO WE CHOOSE TO OBEY?

Believe me when I say that I cringed when I saw that word go up on the board.  As the lesson went on a paradigm was presented that added to my shame.  Then today, as I was pondering the concept, a new paradigm emerged based on Shadow Work, and the other studies above.  A paradigm that resolved the shame and brought a new perspective to me.  Let  me preface this by saying that I am not sure what was taught in the priesthood meeting was even doctrinal.  Yet, it did give me a means to evaluate my intentions in regards to obedience.

The concept which was taught was this:

The intent that motivates our obedience can be measured by the three degrees of glory.

Obedience out of fear (pride/shame) = Telestial Kingdom

Obedience out of duty (guilt) = Terrestrial Kingdom

Obedience out of love (consecration) = Celestial Kingdom

Now hold onto this thought while I walk you through some Shadow Work Concepts. Below is a simple graphic depicting the 4 quadrant model of Shadow Work.

Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette / Shadow Work

Other authors such as David Matheson have gone into detail regarding archetypes in relation to men with SSA and has written a book which can be obtained through his office.  I will not go into depth except to refer you to another website regarding these archetypes as they appear in movies.  Please read or refer to this website as it will bring further clarity to the rest of this posting.

These archetypes show up scripturally in various places.

·         Doctrine and Covenants 4:2

2 Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day.

·         Doctrine and Covenants 59:5

5 Wherefore, I give unto them a commandment, saying thus: Thou shaltlove the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy might, mind, andstrength; and in the name of Jesus Christ thou shalt serve him.

·         Alma 39:13

13 That ye turn to the Lord with all your mind, might, and strength; that ye lead away the hearts of no more to do wickedly; but rather return unto them, and acknowledge your faults and that wrong which ye have done.

·         Doctrine and Covenants 98:47

47 But if the children shall repent, or the children’s children, and turn to the Lord their God, with all their hearts and with all their might,mind, and strength, and restore four-fold for all their trespasses wherewith they have trespassed, or wherewith their fathers have trespassed, or their fathers’ fathers, then thine indignation shall be turned away;

Not to mention we can read about righteous and wicked Kings, Warriors, Prophets/Magicians, and Lovers throughout the scriptures.

Since the King is the Giver of Laws, It is through this energy of the King Archetype that we get a sense of the Law, Order and Peace.  Before we can be obedient, we must get a firm sense of the law we are supposed to obey.  Without this sense, the other senses regarding this law become skewed.  Thus with a skewed sense of the Law we then get a skewed motivation for obeying it.

Let’s look at some of God’s Law, and the motivations behind living those laws.  Let’s look at them specifically in regards to me and my own level of obedience.  True confessions here.  I would also invite you to look at your own life and apply this model as well.  Please note the previous pictorial regarding the 4 senses of… are my own proposal based on my own personal meditations and ought not to be considered doctrinal in relation to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  The following is my personal experiences in relation to this pictorial.

Cleaning My House-

Fear of others seeing the mess.  I haven’t graduated to duty yet, because I live alone.  And consecration is not even on my radar yet.  Wow, I need to work on this one big time.

Tithing-

Since I was a young kid until about four years ago, I have had an aversion to tithing.  In Seminary, I learned it was “Fire Insurance”.  If this is not fear based thinking, I am not sure what else it could be.  Later, I paid out of duty.  When interviewed for a Temple Recommend, that is one answer that was verifiable.  Then I heard a talk about consecration and the blessings associated with it.  I had just come to a knowledge of God’s Love for me and wanted to express my love and gratitude to him.  Tithing seemed like nothing.  The blessings both temporally and spiritually have overflowed since then

Year Supply-

Following 9/11 I felt an urgent sense of getting prepared.  Clearly a fear based response.  Later, when challenged by my bishop to evaluate my year supply, I felt a sense of duty to complete it.  After a haphazard attempt, I realized I had over a year and a half of food stockpiled.  This past year I asked a gal to marry me and when we discussed year supply, I discovered she didn’t have one.  Now I am determined to get 2 years supply so that when and if I get married, we will be prepared.  Then, my bishop proposed the Idea of sharing the year supply during a crisis.  I cringed, then thought, WHY am I doing this out of duty or Love.  If it were truly out of love, I would be excited to share of the food I have accumulated.  I need an attitude adjustment here.

Addiction-

In working with guys in the Porn Addiction Support Group / Addiction Recovery Program, I often hear stories about WHY they are working the 12 steps.  Fear of losing their wife/girlfriend/families, wanting to please their bishop or church leader in order to get on a mission or to get a temple recommend (duty), or because they Love God and its an act of Consecration.  When I hear of relapse this is what I look for as well.  This is what I look for in myself.  What is my motive for staying sober?  In what quadrant am I working in today.  When I fear being alone the rest of my life, I operate in shame mode.  When I resent doing the recovery work, I operate in duty and guilt mode.  When I focus on consecration, gratitude and love, and want it with the desire of a drowning man, I transcend the shadow of addiction and find sobriety, peace and order.

Same-sex Attractions-

I used to fear my attractions and push them down in a bizarre form of self-focused homophobia.  When I worked with my Bishop it seemed he was more concerned with my SSA than with my porn addiction and at times I hated my SSA and wished it away, to the point of demanding that I develop attractions to women.  Now, as I have grown and continue to grow in the gospel and in my testimony and in my relationship to God, I have started to get a glimpse of the Eternal purpose of my SSA and the Gift it is and as I have done so, I have found a Love for My Heavenly Father that has transcended attraction and gives me hope that God’s will be accomplish as I consecrate my attractions to him.

This could be applied to many other areas of my life.  Both models seem to work, but for some reason I like the quadrant based model, because there is a bit less shame attached to it for me.  It allows me to apply a wholistic measure to my life as opposed to a perfectionistic measure.   It also helps me see past my daily self-deceptions that often cloud my eternal perspective.  It shows me that I don’t have to be  there now, and can ask for what I need each day, or moment to moment.  It also takes away the comparisons and allows me to see the tiny miracles God places in my path each day, and gives me hope and a chance to honor him.  Maybe with this perspective I can finally get my house cleaned.  Why not? I don’t know what are your thoughts?

I want to close with a thought from President Ezra Taft Benson…

“When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.”  May we all join this quest!

Because of it, I’m eager to testify, to zealously engage in preaching and arguing for the truth as proclaimed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Until I’m not.

The Moment of Change

There is an occasion where my eagerness is calmed, where my zeal is quieted. In that moment, I’m willing to accept whatever alternative worldview is out there, just for the sake of agreeing. I’m willing to bite my tongue and allow my bitter opponent to win the day. I’m willing to prostrate myself and, if necessary, let everyone trample upon me. I don’t care if I am smitten, humiliated, made ridiculous. I am willing to carefully utter words which sound completely the opposite to what I believe and know is true.

It is the moment when I need to keep my fellow gay Mormon sojourner alive and away from suicide.

As I gain understanding my own gayness, I become increasingly aware that there are some aspects of it that go beyond my well elaborated belief system. The Church leaders state that there are quite a few things that we don’t know. So, I need to seek my own personal revelation, for my soul and my soul only.

A Special, Sacred Responsibility

One of those personal revelations tells me that I have a special, sacred responsibility for life of men and women who like myself experience same-sex attraction, regardless of their life choices – past, present or future.

I can argue all day long whether suicides among gay Mormons are caused by “increased (homo)sexualization of the society” which “makes gay relationships readily acceptable” or by “the cultural and/or doctrinal rigidity of the Church and its members”. I can debate whether it is realistic to expect from the Church to change it’s stance on homosexual relationships through revelation or otherwise. I can wonder whether the cause of the same-sex attraction is nature or nurture.

But when it comes down to a concrete individual with a concrete struggle, an individual that entertains a thought of committing suicide, all that debate suddenly becomes pretty much meaningless.

United in a Single Cause

I have a dream in which all different organizations that deal with homosexuality in Mormondom are united around a single cause. I dream that members of those organizations are considerate enough so that they respect each other’s ideological positions, and thus enabling all of us towards achieving the goal of eradication of suicides among gay Mormons. The consensus may not be easily reached, but is definitely worth trying and is within the realm of possibility.

I believe there are some basic principles on which we can all agree. If I need to choose between a gay Mormon being spared from suicide and the ideological integrity of my own worldview, I choose former. Life should be secured before the discussion is even introduced.

One may argue that this is a phony dilemma, because one cannot live without integrity nor can find oneself in a situation of wanting to take his or her own life unless living without integrity. But let’s face it. Gay Mormons take their lives while we make our points. And that is – to put it mildly – very unfortunate.

Breaking the Ground

There will be those on both side of the issue who will relentlessly abuse my dream. They will argue that there is no safety from suicide unless we all agree on a particular worldview. They will say that building safety from suicide on a broad compromise with ideological opponents is dangerous.

Frankly, I don’t give a hoot. I don’t see those people as a part of a solution. I see them as a part of the problem. They don’t fit into my dream and never will. So, my duty is to stop them. I have a particular responsibility to stop those harmful individuals who profess to be ideologically closer to me, because I may cut them deeper to the core. I should also invite sensible individuals on the other side of the ideological divide to do the same with their own.

By doing that, we can break ground for making an environment in which lives of our fellow same-sex attracted sojourners whom I love so dearly will be saved.

So, let’s do it! Quickly, quickly, quickly!