Get Healthy

Staying healthy as an individual and nurturing a healthy relationship when one partner experiences homosexual attraction requires a certain level of spiritual and emotional maturity–but it’s possible for our marriages to thrive if approached in the most healthy way.

In this section, we’ll explore some important ideas for individuals who experience same-sex attraction to consider as they approach marriage. There are a number of resources that address overall emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical well-being. These sources themselves are not the definitive solution to all problems, but we hope they can act as a starting point in your own personal journey to becoming a healthier you and nurturing a healthy marriage with your husband or wife.

 

Resilient Factors in Couples Where One Partner Experiences Homosexual Attraction

We’ll continue to develop some of the principles discussed below, but in the meantime we’ve listed some qualities of resilient marriages where one spouse experiences same-sex attraction as identified in research by Jill Kays and Mark Yarhouse. They conducted a study to determine which factors were more likely to lead to a successful marriage. The results are summarized below, listed in order of importance to the relationship.

	Open and Honest Communication While communication is helpful for most marriages, it was particularly important to mixed-orientation marriages because many of the issues required difficult discussions, such as sexuality, grief and identity confusion. The best marriages had strong, emphatic and frequent conversations, where both of the spouses were open, empathetic and accepting of each other. These types of conversations built trust and intimacy in the relationship.
	Cohesion and Commitment Most successful couples in the study chose to stay together because of the love and commitment they had for each other, particularly an emotional bond for each other. By focusing on the reasons that they loved each other rather than their challenged, couples reported higher marital satisfaction.
	Negotiation and Flexibility There may need to be some adjustments specific to mixed-orientation marriages. Partners should be willing to adjust their expectations of relationship roles, the focus and the meaning of the relationship. Some relationships were platonic, some were open, but marriages that reported highest levels of satisfaction were both emotionally and sexually intimate and faithful. North Star highly encourages a marriage that follows gospel standards.
	Disclosure Marital success was also largely affected by when and how same-sex attractions were disclosed. Marriages where the same-sex attractions were disclosed voluntarily fared better than those were the same-sex attractions were discovered through some other means. In general, the earlier in the marriage the better. North Star encourages disclosure of sexual feelings early in the relationship, preferably before marriage.
	Sexual Identity and Orientation How the spouse with SSA interprets their attractions and incorporates them into their sexual identity played an important role in success. The study found it was helpful to distinguish between sexual identity and sexual orientation, and to not identify as gay. North Star does not have a stance on sexual identity. Members are free to identify as gay.
	Religious Coping Many couples reported commitment to God and shared religious values as a factor for success. Prayer, Sabbath worship and communion with the saints were important factors. North Star believes that the atonement of Christ is the key to peace and joy in this life. North Star also suggests involving your bishop if you are experiencing problems in your marriage whether or not they are related to sexual attractions.
	Outside Support Outside help has been shown to help couples deal with the difficulties of their marriage. This included family, friends, and professional therapists. Of particular importance, were other couples who were in similar circumstances.

 

Books to Help you Build a Healthy Relationship

The following books are a recommended sampling of those that will help you become the most healthy you. For a more comprehensive list of books to help you with a variety of issues, see the North Star Bookstore.

 

Books to Help you Nurture Healthy Sexual Intimacy in Your Relationship

The following books are a recommended sampling of those that will help you become the most healthy you. For a more comprehensive list of books to help you with a variety of issues, see the North Star Bookstore.

 

Books to Help you Heal From Infidelity

The following books are a recommended sampling of those that will help you become the most healthy you. For a more comprehensive list of books to help you with a variety of issues, see the North Star Bookstore.